New day, new cycle

The hubs listened so well this morning as I threw out some of my frustrating thoughts and he even agreed that he's getting to that point where he's wondering what God wants us to be doing with our time.  We have this sense that we're just stuck and waiting to get back on track.  Actually, that's the brighter side of things.  I realized that the dreary day a few weeks ago was really because it hit me hard, for whatever reason that this might be it, I may have secondary infertility forever.  After a year and a half, surgery and Napro protocol you'd think it would have sunk in by now, and it has to some degree.  I have a good cry around CD 1 each month because it hits me harder and is that much more real.  On a day to day basis though, I'm in some sort of denial, that soon we'll figure it out, fix it and get on with my vocation of being a mom to many...

But reality calls. Time to call for a Cycle Review and find a new cycle saint.  I'm looking forward to the biopsy (as much as one can look forward to a biopsy, ug) because as always, I'm just hoping for more info into anything that could be causing this wait. I also am wanting to see my estrodiol level without the clomid for the first time in 8 months.  It seemed to go up a little in the last few months even while I kept the same level of clomid, so maybe with the help of the Anti-inflammatory diet?  If I could not do a drug to help with with Estrodiol that would be great.  There's a good chance I'll still end up with Letrozole though.

Cycle saint (thanks to the Saint Generator from Jen Fulwiler): St. Andrew Dung Lac

He was a Vietnamese priest executed by beheading in 1839. He is a saint and martyr of the Catholic Church. I'm thinking he'll give me some perspective on suffering :)

Still keeping up with the Gianna novena.

Offering up my physical pain for those in the IF blogging community and my IRL friends who are dealing with grief.

Cyclical thoughts

So it's Day 22 of this cycle and I have to say I'm finding myself more hopeful than usual.  I think there's a couple reasons why.  And by the way I think it's a good thing to find myself hopeful.  If and when AF comes I'll be sad so why not be optimistic until then?  Sometimes I have this attitude and sometimes I don't, but I usually feel better all around if I do.

Ok, back to the reasons:

1. I peaked earlier this cycle than I have... um since I started seriously charting 5 years ago.  I usually hit a day between 17 and 22... this was on day 15!  It may not sound like much but it's something different and to have charts and charts of cycles that don't seem to change no matter what the Dr. or I do (other than stress, but that's accounted for) it's just nice to see something different.  So why might this have happened?  Well, the big task this cycle was to stay consistent with my anti-inflammatory diet and exercise.  And much my (and perhaps Hubs's) surprise I've stuck with it much better than in the past.  Hmmm, a little bit of Grace?  That leads me to number...

2. I've carried around my St. Gerard handkerchief... remember I didn't know what to do with it?  Well, I pretty much just kept it in my pocket and was constantly reminded to "have hope" and that it doesn't have to be "in just my hands."  Those just happen to be the phrases that kept coming to mind as I asked St. Gerard to pray for me.  There really is power in having something physical to remind us to pray whether it be a scapular, a medal, a rosary, a cross in your pocket, or even something from a loved one who has past.  Think about how important wedding rings are to people or handing on something in a will.  Hmm, I think there's a whole post on that topic in me.  On the future blog post topic list it goes!


So I've been surrounded by babies and comments about "when is the next one coming" and my mind has actually starting to think again about what a newborn needs and what would I do with two kids...  Ug.  I probably sound contradictory but this actual concrete seeing myself with a baby feels like dangerous thinking.  The hopefulness of #1 is about getting pregnant, not about having the baby.  Once I do, then I'll get excited and worried about the practicality of things.  So my optimism is good until it gets carried away.  Then I am set up for uber disappointment when AF comes.  Aaaaand I think this all is only making sense in my head.  Sorry to put you through that paragraph.

To sum up: I'm feeling hopeful, my diet seems to be making some sort of difference (or allowing the drugs to make a difference) and I'm leaning a little more on prayer.