Easter etc.

Phew, it's been awhile for posting but I haven't known exactly how to put everything. Unfortunately when I take breaks from posting I end up just feeling like my head is full of things I don't know how to write about.  But enough with that, you just gotta jump back in.

Last month was another negative, I think that makes 20 months now.  I didn't cry about it, I knew that hope was on the horizon, I have a dr appt coming up and the 6 months of clomid trying could possibly come to an end.  Of course, my SIL showing up to Easter surprisingly visibly pregnant was a little of a trial, I think God's grace came through for me and helped me see it as a wonderful blessing for them... because it is.  I hate that this fertility struggle makes me into someone I don't want to be.  I don't like the automatic selfishness.  It pops up when I don't want it to and then has to be squashed with the help of prayer and perspective.  I guess it's that way for lots of situations, if it wasn't with fertility it would be a struggle with something else.  I just hate wanting to cry for myself when I know I should be jumping up and down with them.

Easter Sunday's homily was great and the main theme was Jesus fixing our brokenness.  Monsignor related it to when as a kid he or we would break something we knew we shouldn't have and then many times have that feeling of shame and impending punishment.  He said that instead of hiding our brokenness, whether caused by us or not isn't helpful, Jesus is the one who will fix it, fix you.  He already has fixed our eternal possibility.  I prayed for awhile afterward with some tears in my eyes for Jesus to just "fix me."  I'm sure I've said it before but more prayer can never hurt.

Overall, Easter and the past weeks have been wonderful.  I married a man with a GREAT family and a mother who has proven herself one of the most thoughtful MILs possible.  (2 of what could be many examples: she called to warn us about the pregnancy announcement so we could emotionally prepare ourselves, and she bought some mild red wine for me to drink through the week)

I'm looking forward to my next appt on the 9th to see where we're headed in this battle... tests to determine the opponent we're fighting, more med ideas?

Glad I Went

This week has not been kind to me.  I found out for the 19th month in a row that I am not pregnant.  A friend of mine lost her mom to breast cancer on Monday.  I got scheduled for further testing on my heart to see why I've been having palpitations.  The Hubs' great aunt passed away yesterday.  My brother's flight was cancelled so I won't get to spend as much time with him...  I think things are just weighing on me.

But, of course, I go to Mass and I hear a homily reflecting on the reading and gospel in which Father says straight out, "Courageously ask God."

Readings: http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/022113.cfm

The first reading is from Esther which highlights the virtue of courage.  She was chosen as one of the wives of the king of Persia but was from Jewish descent.  In order to save her people by asking the King not to wipe them out she risks her life by going to the king unsummoned.  She was rewarded for her actions and the genocide did not take place as it was planned.

The Gospel was one that you hear often quoted with these gems:

“Ask and it will be given to you;

seek and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you."

"If you then, who are wicked,

know how to give good gifts to your children,

how much more will your heavenly Father give good things

to those who ask him."

The faithful part of me said, YES, good news and truth!  The bitter part of me said, jeez, have I not been knocking loud enough?!  That's how my life goes these days though.  Overall, I know that I am ridiculously blessed but I selfishly get hung up on not receiving a GIFT.

I couldn't help but be struck by the fact that I felt like I was losing hope and felt compelled to get to Mass one morning and I'm greeted with these readings and a homily that spells it out for me...

Courageously Ask God.

Ash Wednesday thoughts and links

It's that day again where Catholics flock to Mass for a day that isn't even a Holy Day of Obligation!  I think it's because repentance is something we can all understand we need a little more of in our lives.  This is a day where Catholics are "bound" to fast and to abstain from eating meat.  I found it so interesting as I listened to the DJ on Catholic Radio use the word "bound" this morning.  I thought it a rather good word choice.  Basically, if you consider yourself Catholic, you bind yourself to this Church if you choose and therefore carry out certain practices.  We're obligated to fast and abstain in so far as we commit ourselves to living a life in the Church.  It's not about what we can't do (eat :) ) but who we choose to be.

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Going to Mass with a toddler is always interesting and I never know just what will make it's way through the distractions to me.  This morning it was the Opening prayer (yes, were actually there on time, shock! and I had to call myself on my pride... really, about being on time for Church... yup, it's not like it happens that often)  Aaanyway.  So here's some text of the opening prayer in case you were also being distracted by a toddler with the little Disney Cars cars almost quietly zooming up and down the kneeler:

"Grant, O Lord, that we may begin with holy fasting this campaign of Christian service,
so that, as we take up battle against spiritual evils, we may be armed with weapons of self-restraint..."  How's that for telling it like it is!?

We ask (through the words of the priest) that God would bless this first day of Lent, that he might make our fasting holy today.  See the first link below for more on holy fasting, I think Meg says it well so I won't be repetitious.  Also the prayer is referring to the 6 weeks of Lent as a campaign of Christian service.  It's a time of doing.  We decide on our actions by asking ourselves what will we fast from (or "give up"), what will we give (charity), and what will we do to increase our prayer?  Only the individual person can assess their own spiritual condition but I would advise anyone to take it to prayer.  Allow God into your "campaign of Christian service."  After all, isn't he the ultimate model for such service?

The second line of the prayer helped me once again to see the value of fasting in my life.  If I want to be spiritually strong I need to have self-control, it a tool given to us by God but developed through our willing practice.  And I need all the practice I can get.  I don't know about you but if I'm going up against spiritual evils you better believe I want all the weapons possible.

I pray that God blesses you during Lent in whatever way you are in most need!


La La Lenten Linkage:

I found this post by Meg to be an excellent call to action when I was thinking "yeah, yeah, we fast every year..."

This post was written by Tim O'Malley about Pope Benedict's resignation and what it can teach us during Lent.

Dealing with infertility?  Here's a fantastic post about how you can use that experience to grow during Lent and Holy Week.  This was another great read in preparation for Lent.  (would be good even if not dealing with IF :)

St. Gerard

I know that one of the patron saints to look to for intercession with motherhood (or desire for motherhood) is St. Gerard.  Him and St. Gianna have been invoked semi-nightly for their help and prayers, as well as the others that Hubs and I have taken as saints important to our lives.

I was taken back when I received a package from my Grandma yesterday.  She mentioned that she had received a handkerchief from St. Lucy's parish where the Shrine of St. Gerard is located.  She has always had an affinity for him, especially when she was pregnant.  Case in point, one of my uncles is a Gerard :)  She said she was passing it on to me because she thought I might like to have it and to remember that she was praying for us now as we try to figure out what's going on and how/if we can become parents again.  The handkerchief came with an explanation of where it came from, which you can find here.

So basically I have a "3rd class" relic of St. Gerard to help make my prayers more tangible.  I know that some outside of Catholicism (and plenty within) might look skeptically at the idea of relics and I can understand it.  I reminded myself as I held it that it was not magic but it wasn't just a piece of powerless fabric either.  It is blessed and touched to the actual handkerchief of St. Gerard.  It has power in that it can give me something to touch, a physical reminder that there was a man that knew God well and has been known to help us with his prayers from heaven.  He was real, his prayers have been real, just like my living Grandmother's and my deceased Grandfather's (because I know he's talking off the ear of Jesus right now) prayers for me are real.  I'm so thankful for my Grandmother's sending it.  I need all the reminders I can get, verbal, physical, etc. that I am being prayed for, that I am blessed regardless of whether or not my prayer for a #2 is ever answered.  I need all the reminders I can get to PRAY, pray to the author of Life.  He alone will supply whatever it is that I truly need.  He can transform whatever life hands me into being a vehicle for grace into my life.   PHew... amen.