The benefit of busy

It's p+8 but I'm not as anxious about cycle stuff as I usually am.  (Note the "as usual" not to be confused with no anxiety because I'm always anxious :)

It's been busy around here!  This past week I attended an ordination of Hubs' college buddy.  We left our son with his parents and drove to the big city for 36 hours of Masses and receptions and friends.  It was wonderful.  I won't lie, I felt a little boring, everyone was asking and answering questions about what they do and the big city they just flew in from, and I just didn't feel cool with my answer of, "yeah, I used to work but now I just stay home." <cricket chirp>  Later, as I thought about feeling lame, I thought of how being serious with NaPro can sometimes mean feeling like you have a first/second job you just don't talk about.  The charting, the blood draws, the meds, the vitamins, the paperwork, the tests, surgeries, recoveries, the time researching any possible reason to it...  
it can be a bit, well, much.

It's tradition to ask the newly ordained priests for a "first blessing." When it was our turn Hubs asked specifically for healing from any infertility.  His friend knows we have a little one already but didn't seem shocked that we'd be struggling after that, thank God.  We made a sort of huddle with our arms around him and his hands on our heads and he prayed over us that God might bless us in everything we do and in a special way that we be healed in whatever way we needed.  What peace.  God has given me alot of grace lately in this struggle and I know that even if the healing never comes for our specific intention, God, who is a good God and giver of all perfect gifts, will not completely forget us.  He will either give us the gift we seek or the strength to go without it.  I'm not always in a place where I can say that, but right now, I'm closer than usual.

It's officially my last day in my twenties.  On this Birthday Eve I'm being treated to a musical tonight and various activities tomorrow including Mass, breakfast, park time, a massage, shopping and dinner with friends.  Holy Cow am I blessed!

This coming weekend and all next week will be travelling and with family.  I should be sitting at a BBQ with all my extended fam as AF hits... whee.  But there's so much to bake and pack and plan... I simply can't let impending AF take up any of my time right now.  There is a benefit to being busy!

Seeing more of Myself... literally

So I went to the dr yesterday.  We went around a little on what possible directions to try next and we settled on looking into 2 things.

1. doing a series of sonograms to make sure that I am, in fact, ovulating (it was day 14 so perfect timing)

2. antibiotics to treat my TEBB (deciding whether or not to do an internal biopsy to see if there is something we can treat for definitively or if we just do the most commonly effective antibiotics)

Ended up that the sono tech was available so I went down the hall and got started on the series.  She found good lining, an open cervix and a 23mm follicle on the left side, wahoo!  The follicle was determined to be definitive so I had to go back this morning to check and see.  I was also told to get busy since I would most likely ovulate later that day or night.  Well she was right!  I O'ed on day 14, what?!  I'm normally an 18-22 day kinda gal!  I love being a week early though.  I'm already in the 2WW rather than evaluating every day for every signal for the next week to try to pinpoint Peak day.

So I'm timidly excited I guess, though I'm not sure why.  I've done this over and over, it feels the same other than the earlier timing and visual confirmation that everything is right.  I guess if this month doesn't work we have to start looking into the next step of things.  Are the sperm and egg really meeting, is the egg good quality, is there a problem with implanting?  Still some questions but I like knowing that I can ovulate on my own and that even if the clomid helped up the estrogen, I've probably been cycling just fine before it and now after it.  So the issue has to be somewhere else?

I'm determined to hope.  I'm willing myself to be hopeful.  Cuz gosh darn it, YOU NEVER KNOW!

Cyclical thoughts

So it's Day 22 of this cycle and I have to say I'm finding myself more hopeful than usual.  I think there's a couple reasons why.  And by the way I think it's a good thing to find myself hopeful.  If and when AF comes I'll be sad so why not be optimistic until then?  Sometimes I have this attitude and sometimes I don't, but I usually feel better all around if I do.

Ok, back to the reasons:

1. I peaked earlier this cycle than I have... um since I started seriously charting 5 years ago.  I usually hit a day between 17 and 22... this was on day 15!  It may not sound like much but it's something different and to have charts and charts of cycles that don't seem to change no matter what the Dr. or I do (other than stress, but that's accounted for) it's just nice to see something different.  So why might this have happened?  Well, the big task this cycle was to stay consistent with my anti-inflammatory diet and exercise.  And much my (and perhaps Hubs's) surprise I've stuck with it much better than in the past.  Hmmm, a little bit of Grace?  That leads me to number...

2. I've carried around my St. Gerard handkerchief... remember I didn't know what to do with it?  Well, I pretty much just kept it in my pocket and was constantly reminded to "have hope" and that it doesn't have to be "in just my hands."  Those just happen to be the phrases that kept coming to mind as I asked St. Gerard to pray for me.  There really is power in having something physical to remind us to pray whether it be a scapular, a medal, a rosary, a cross in your pocket, or even something from a loved one who has past.  Think about how important wedding rings are to people or handing on something in a will.  Hmm, I think there's a whole post on that topic in me.  On the future blog post topic list it goes!


So I've been surrounded by babies and comments about "when is the next one coming" and my mind has actually starting to think again about what a newborn needs and what would I do with two kids...  Ug.  I probably sound contradictory but this actual concrete seeing myself with a baby feels like dangerous thinking.  The hopefulness of #1 is about getting pregnant, not about having the baby.  Once I do, then I'll get excited and worried about the practicality of things.  So my optimism is good until it gets carried away.  Then I am set up for uber disappointment when AF comes.  Aaaaand I think this all is only making sense in my head.  Sorry to put you through that paragraph.

To sum up: I'm feeling hopeful, my diet seems to be making some sort of difference (or allowing the drugs to make a difference) and I'm leaning a little more on prayer.