Ticking Clock... nope...Mary, Undoer of Knots

I've been coming up from the knockout of CD1 and feeling pretty good, doing my best to give the struggle of IF to God.  The sunshine has helped today.  But I ran across that fateful phrase today when looking into some vitamin supplements, "after 35 a woman's fertility declines rapidly."  Aaaand that ticking clock, tummy ache thing came back.  It's hard to describe what I feel physically when I stress myself out with fertility like this.  The best I can describe is a knot in my stomach that tightens and loosens but I just can't seem to ever really get rid of.  When I see a new baby or hear of a pregnancy announcement it gets really tight and almost physically painful and when I'm in a good place of prayer and surrender I feel it as soon as I think about it again.

Last fall I came across a title of Mary that I hadn't heard before.  She has been called "Mary, Undoer of Knots"  Learn more about where the image came from and what it's come to mean in our time here.  I heard this 3 different places within a month or two.  I haven't really thought about it for months.  Apparantly our current pope is a big fan of the image of Mary, Undoer of Knots.

Hmmmm

So I think this post is a really good example of the Holy Spirit working through blogging... I sat down to complain about biological clocks ticking/woe is me, etc and somehow that idea got hijacked and it became all about prayer and Mary and her ability to help us with the knots in our lives.  I guess I'll start looking into the novena, even if the prayers don't end in a pregnancy, I could sure use some help with this knot :)

New day, new cycle

The hubs listened so well this morning as I threw out some of my frustrating thoughts and he even agreed that he's getting to that point where he's wondering what God wants us to be doing with our time.  We have this sense that we're just stuck and waiting to get back on track.  Actually, that's the brighter side of things.  I realized that the dreary day a few weeks ago was really because it hit me hard, for whatever reason that this might be it, I may have secondary infertility forever.  After a year and a half, surgery and Napro protocol you'd think it would have sunk in by now, and it has to some degree.  I have a good cry around CD 1 each month because it hits me harder and is that much more real.  On a day to day basis though, I'm in some sort of denial, that soon we'll figure it out, fix it and get on with my vocation of being a mom to many...

But reality calls. Time to call for a Cycle Review and find a new cycle saint.  I'm looking forward to the biopsy (as much as one can look forward to a biopsy, ug) because as always, I'm just hoping for more info into anything that could be causing this wait. I also am wanting to see my estrodiol level without the clomid for the first time in 8 months.  It seemed to go up a little in the last few months even while I kept the same level of clomid, so maybe with the help of the Anti-inflammatory diet?  If I could not do a drug to help with with Estrodiol that would be great.  There's a good chance I'll still end up with Letrozole though.

Cycle saint (thanks to the Saint Generator from Jen Fulwiler): St. Andrew Dung Lac

He was a Vietnamese priest executed by beheading in 1839. He is a saint and martyr of the Catholic Church. I'm thinking he'll give me some perspective on suffering :)

Still keeping up with the Gianna novena.

Offering up my physical pain for those in the IF blogging community and my IRL friends who are dealing with grief.

Cycle Saints and Prayer

Yeah, I know it's not a conventional thing to do.  I've been using Jen Fulwiler's Saint Generator to find a saint  for each cycle.  I liked the idea of having one for the whole year, but I wanted to befriend more saints, learn about more of them and ask for more prayers.  So when AF arrives I get to go find out which one I will learn about and pray with for the next 34ish days.

So far there's been some fun coincidences, as there is likely to be with a faith that is so tangible and relevant on a day to day basis.  Here's a few.

• The first time I did it I got my confirmation sain,t who's my usual go to, and I had done the generator to find someone new.  There she was... St. Therese :)
• I had St. Josephine Bakhita once and her feast day landed around peak day of that cycle.
• St. Teresa of Avila is up now and in the book I'm reading (Love&Salt) the 2 women quote her and talk about her quite a bit.

I like this little ritual, it makes me feel as if so many in heaven are ready to listen, especially when I need it most.

I've also been feeling called to pray the rosary on a daily basis because of a few different experiences.  I fall asleep with a rosary in my hand every night but I'm lucky if I get past the 3 opening hail mary's mainly because of being so distracted at that time.  It's something I'll have to work on.

I'm also hopping on board the St. Gianna novena (thanks to the blog Making God Laugh) which starts tonight.  I printed out the prayers and will keep the paper on my nightstand in an effort to hit every night.  I love the idea of novenas but I can't tell you how many I've started and not finished.  

So I guess the key to all of this is to be more consistent in my prayer!

Ash Wednesday thoughts and links

It's that day again where Catholics flock to Mass for a day that isn't even a Holy Day of Obligation!  I think it's because repentance is something we can all understand we need a little more of in our lives.  This is a day where Catholics are "bound" to fast and to abstain from eating meat.  I found it so interesting as I listened to the DJ on Catholic Radio use the word "bound" this morning.  I thought it a rather good word choice.  Basically, if you consider yourself Catholic, you bind yourself to this Church if you choose and therefore carry out certain practices.  We're obligated to fast and abstain in so far as we commit ourselves to living a life in the Church.  It's not about what we can't do (eat :) ) but who we choose to be.

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Going to Mass with a toddler is always interesting and I never know just what will make it's way through the distractions to me.  This morning it was the Opening prayer (yes, were actually there on time, shock! and I had to call myself on my pride... really, about being on time for Church... yup, it's not like it happens that often)  Aaanyway.  So here's some text of the opening prayer in case you were also being distracted by a toddler with the little Disney Cars cars almost quietly zooming up and down the kneeler:

"Grant, O Lord, that we may begin with holy fasting this campaign of Christian service,
so that, as we take up battle against spiritual evils, we may be armed with weapons of self-restraint..."  How's that for telling it like it is!?

We ask (through the words of the priest) that God would bless this first day of Lent, that he might make our fasting holy today.  See the first link below for more on holy fasting, I think Meg says it well so I won't be repetitious.  Also the prayer is referring to the 6 weeks of Lent as a campaign of Christian service.  It's a time of doing.  We decide on our actions by asking ourselves what will we fast from (or "give up"), what will we give (charity), and what will we do to increase our prayer?  Only the individual person can assess their own spiritual condition but I would advise anyone to take it to prayer.  Allow God into your "campaign of Christian service."  After all, isn't he the ultimate model for such service?

The second line of the prayer helped me once again to see the value of fasting in my life.  If I want to be spiritually strong I need to have self-control, it a tool given to us by God but developed through our willing practice.  And I need all the practice I can get.  I don't know about you but if I'm going up against spiritual evils you better believe I want all the weapons possible.

I pray that God blesses you during Lent in whatever way you are in most need!


La La Lenten Linkage:

I found this post by Meg to be an excellent call to action when I was thinking "yeah, yeah, we fast every year..."

This post was written by Tim O'Malley about Pope Benedict's resignation and what it can teach us during Lent.

Dealing with infertility?  Here's a fantastic post about how you can use that experience to grow during Lent and Holy Week.  This was another great read in preparation for Lent.  (would be good even if not dealing with IF :)

Cyclical thoughts

So it's Day 22 of this cycle and I have to say I'm finding myself more hopeful than usual.  I think there's a couple reasons why.  And by the way I think it's a good thing to find myself hopeful.  If and when AF comes I'll be sad so why not be optimistic until then?  Sometimes I have this attitude and sometimes I don't, but I usually feel better all around if I do.

Ok, back to the reasons:

1. I peaked earlier this cycle than I have... um since I started seriously charting 5 years ago.  I usually hit a day between 17 and 22... this was on day 15!  It may not sound like much but it's something different and to have charts and charts of cycles that don't seem to change no matter what the Dr. or I do (other than stress, but that's accounted for) it's just nice to see something different.  So why might this have happened?  Well, the big task this cycle was to stay consistent with my anti-inflammatory diet and exercise.  And much my (and perhaps Hubs's) surprise I've stuck with it much better than in the past.  Hmmm, a little bit of Grace?  That leads me to number...

2. I've carried around my St. Gerard handkerchief... remember I didn't know what to do with it?  Well, I pretty much just kept it in my pocket and was constantly reminded to "have hope" and that it doesn't have to be "in just my hands."  Those just happen to be the phrases that kept coming to mind as I asked St. Gerard to pray for me.  There really is power in having something physical to remind us to pray whether it be a scapular, a medal, a rosary, a cross in your pocket, or even something from a loved one who has past.  Think about how important wedding rings are to people or handing on something in a will.  Hmm, I think there's a whole post on that topic in me.  On the future blog post topic list it goes!


So I've been surrounded by babies and comments about "when is the next one coming" and my mind has actually starting to think again about what a newborn needs and what would I do with two kids...  Ug.  I probably sound contradictory but this actual concrete seeing myself with a baby feels like dangerous thinking.  The hopefulness of #1 is about getting pregnant, not about having the baby.  Once I do, then I'll get excited and worried about the practicality of things.  So my optimism is good until it gets carried away.  Then I am set up for uber disappointment when AF comes.  Aaaaand I think this all is only making sense in my head.  Sorry to put you through that paragraph.

To sum up: I'm feeling hopeful, my diet seems to be making some sort of difference (or allowing the drugs to make a difference) and I'm leaning a little more on prayer.

St. Gerard

I know that one of the patron saints to look to for intercession with motherhood (or desire for motherhood) is St. Gerard.  Him and St. Gianna have been invoked semi-nightly for their help and prayers, as well as the others that Hubs and I have taken as saints important to our lives.

I was taken back when I received a package from my Grandma yesterday.  She mentioned that she had received a handkerchief from St. Lucy's parish where the Shrine of St. Gerard is located.  She has always had an affinity for him, especially when she was pregnant.  Case in point, one of my uncles is a Gerard :)  She said she was passing it on to me because she thought I might like to have it and to remember that she was praying for us now as we try to figure out what's going on and how/if we can become parents again.  The handkerchief came with an explanation of where it came from, which you can find here.

So basically I have a "3rd class" relic of St. Gerard to help make my prayers more tangible.  I know that some outside of Catholicism (and plenty within) might look skeptically at the idea of relics and I can understand it.  I reminded myself as I held it that it was not magic but it wasn't just a piece of powerless fabric either.  It is blessed and touched to the actual handkerchief of St. Gerard.  It has power in that it can give me something to touch, a physical reminder that there was a man that knew God well and has been known to help us with his prayers from heaven.  He was real, his prayers have been real, just like my living Grandmother's and my deceased Grandfather's (because I know he's talking off the ear of Jesus right now) prayers for me are real.  I'm so thankful for my Grandmother's sending it.  I need all the reminders I can get, verbal, physical, etc. that I am being prayed for, that I am blessed regardless of whether or not my prayer for a #2 is ever answered.  I need all the reminders I can get to PRAY, pray to the author of Life.  He alone will supply whatever it is that I truly need.  He can transform whatever life hands me into being a vehicle for grace into my life.   PHew... amen.