Angry Tears

I was doing so well!!!!  I was all composed and trusting that God had my heart.  I was repeating the mantra "soon, it will be soon" and trying to be hopeful. 

And then CD1.

I'm thankful I have so much to do around the house, lots of cleaning, painting and planning for a family party at the end of the week and a few sewing jobs to attend to.  The only problem is that my work gets all blurry through sudden angry tears that creep up on me.  Ug, some months the no is just harder to take than others. 

The naproNurse was out yesterday so my doc did my cycle review over the phone herself.  She reviewed everything we've done and the one thing yet to do.  At the end she added up all the effective cycles we've gone through (where everything was in place for there to be a pregnancy) and just said, "well huh."  Well HUH!?!... I repeated in my head... are you stumped... tell me you're not stumped... you can't be stumped... this is not the end of the line... does that mean I'm doing everything possible?!  Actually, I think it means that other than a little bit of TEBB we haven't found any big red flag problems to solve.  Everything looks great.  As frustrating as all this is going through my head, I have to remember that if I was with a typical RE I would have been labeled with "unexplained infertility" and given the choice between ART options or go home a year ago.  Thank God for Nap.ro.  THANK GOD.

All this frustration is wrecking havoc on my ability to parent the one child I do have and that's not right, I feel so guilty.  I gotta go get stuff done and pray a bunch.

Prayers appreciated!

Dreary

This is going to be a loooooong day.  My young one is wondering why his mommy is so tired, sad and staring out into space this morning.  And it's not even 10am yet.  It's raining and I feel like that's just how I feel, dreary, even after yesterday's positive sono.  I think some days the cross you carry is just a little harder to lift, no matter what cross it is.  

It all may have something to do with a friend announcing she was pregnant, an unexpected challenge for her at this time in her life.  Hard to hear but I do get it.  I sympathized with her and showed my support and congratulations but then the conversation in the room went to "everybody's getting pregnant right now" and "there's definitely a baby boom going on." I felt like I was doing well keeping my own feelings at bay in the moment but I think the after comments got stuck echoing in my head as I left.  I woke up just wanting to say to somebody, "well... not everybody."

So I'll just say it to my blog :)

Easter etc.

Phew, it's been awhile for posting but I haven't known exactly how to put everything. Unfortunately when I take breaks from posting I end up just feeling like my head is full of things I don't know how to write about.  But enough with that, you just gotta jump back in.

Last month was another negative, I think that makes 20 months now.  I didn't cry about it, I knew that hope was on the horizon, I have a dr appt coming up and the 6 months of clomid trying could possibly come to an end.  Of course, my SIL showing up to Easter surprisingly visibly pregnant was a little of a trial, I think God's grace came through for me and helped me see it as a wonderful blessing for them... because it is.  I hate that this fertility struggle makes me into someone I don't want to be.  I don't like the automatic selfishness.  It pops up when I don't want it to and then has to be squashed with the help of prayer and perspective.  I guess it's that way for lots of situations, if it wasn't with fertility it would be a struggle with something else.  I just hate wanting to cry for myself when I know I should be jumping up and down with them.

Easter Sunday's homily was great and the main theme was Jesus fixing our brokenness.  Monsignor related it to when as a kid he or we would break something we knew we shouldn't have and then many times have that feeling of shame and impending punishment.  He said that instead of hiding our brokenness, whether caused by us or not isn't helpful, Jesus is the one who will fix it, fix you.  He already has fixed our eternal possibility.  I prayed for awhile afterward with some tears in my eyes for Jesus to just "fix me."  I'm sure I've said it before but more prayer can never hurt.

Overall, Easter and the past weeks have been wonderful.  I married a man with a GREAT family and a mother who has proven herself one of the most thoughtful MILs possible.  (2 of what could be many examples: she called to warn us about the pregnancy announcement so we could emotionally prepare ourselves, and she bought some mild red wine for me to drink through the week)

I'm looking forward to my next appt on the 9th to see where we're headed in this battle... tests to determine the opponent we're fighting, more med ideas?

Glad I Went

This week has not been kind to me.  I found out for the 19th month in a row that I am not pregnant.  A friend of mine lost her mom to breast cancer on Monday.  I got scheduled for further testing on my heart to see why I've been having palpitations.  The Hubs' great aunt passed away yesterday.  My brother's flight was cancelled so I won't get to spend as much time with him...  I think things are just weighing on me.

But, of course, I go to Mass and I hear a homily reflecting on the reading and gospel in which Father says straight out, "Courageously ask God."

Readings: http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/022113.cfm

The first reading is from Esther which highlights the virtue of courage.  She was chosen as one of the wives of the king of Persia but was from Jewish descent.  In order to save her people by asking the King not to wipe them out she risks her life by going to the king unsummoned.  She was rewarded for her actions and the genocide did not take place as it was planned.

The Gospel was one that you hear often quoted with these gems:

“Ask and it will be given to you;

seek and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you."

"If you then, who are wicked,

know how to give good gifts to your children,

how much more will your heavenly Father give good things

to those who ask him."

The faithful part of me said, YES, good news and truth!  The bitter part of me said, jeez, have I not been knocking loud enough?!  That's how my life goes these days though.  Overall, I know that I am ridiculously blessed but I selfishly get hung up on not receiving a GIFT.

I couldn't help but be struck by the fact that I felt like I was losing hope and felt compelled to get to Mass one morning and I'm greeted with these readings and a homily that spells it out for me...

Courageously Ask God.

Tip of the iceberg

I feel like my friends and family can only take so much talk about fertility.  It's here that I hope to post thoughts and comments that I'd like to say outloud but for the sake of my reputation and sometimes relationships I think it would be better to process them in my own head.  A lot of what I'm talking about has to do with bitterness.  There are so many times that secondary infertility haunts me.  Especially on quiet days where my son takes a long nap.  Then I wonder, outloud through tears in my kitchen, about how long, how LONG! will it be til I have another one to care for and be a sibling for my son and make quitting my job worth it and quench this ache I have in my heart to be the mom of many, and .... ok, I could go on for awhile.  But for now I won't, that's what this blog is for and future posts are swirling around my mind waiting to be typed, some bitter and some just about how this journey has taught me compassion and faithfulness.

For now, I have to run some errands, which may turn into AN errand based on this crazy cold rain coming down.