Cyclical thoughts

So it's Day 22 of this cycle and I have to say I'm finding myself more hopeful than usual.  I think there's a couple reasons why.  And by the way I think it's a good thing to find myself hopeful.  If and when AF comes I'll be sad so why not be optimistic until then?  Sometimes I have this attitude and sometimes I don't, but I usually feel better all around if I do.

Ok, back to the reasons:

1. I peaked earlier this cycle than I have... um since I started seriously charting 5 years ago.  I usually hit a day between 17 and 22... this was on day 15!  It may not sound like much but it's something different and to have charts and charts of cycles that don't seem to change no matter what the Dr. or I do (other than stress, but that's accounted for) it's just nice to see something different.  So why might this have happened?  Well, the big task this cycle was to stay consistent with my anti-inflammatory diet and exercise.  And much my (and perhaps Hubs's) surprise I've stuck with it much better than in the past.  Hmmm, a little bit of Grace?  That leads me to number...

2. I've carried around my St. Gerard handkerchief... remember I didn't know what to do with it?  Well, I pretty much just kept it in my pocket and was constantly reminded to "have hope" and that it doesn't have to be "in just my hands."  Those just happen to be the phrases that kept coming to mind as I asked St. Gerard to pray for me.  There really is power in having something physical to remind us to pray whether it be a scapular, a medal, a rosary, a cross in your pocket, or even something from a loved one who has past.  Think about how important wedding rings are to people or handing on something in a will.  Hmm, I think there's a whole post on that topic in me.  On the future blog post topic list it goes!


So I've been surrounded by babies and comments about "when is the next one coming" and my mind has actually starting to think again about what a newborn needs and what would I do with two kids...  Ug.  I probably sound contradictory but this actual concrete seeing myself with a baby feels like dangerous thinking.  The hopefulness of #1 is about getting pregnant, not about having the baby.  Once I do, then I'll get excited and worried about the practicality of things.  So my optimism is good until it gets carried away.  Then I am set up for uber disappointment when AF comes.  Aaaaand I think this all is only making sense in my head.  Sorry to put you through that paragraph.

To sum up: I'm feeling hopeful, my diet seems to be making some sort of difference (or allowing the drugs to make a difference) and I'm leaning a little more on prayer.

St. Gerard

I know that one of the patron saints to look to for intercession with motherhood (or desire for motherhood) is St. Gerard.  Him and St. Gianna have been invoked semi-nightly for their help and prayers, as well as the others that Hubs and I have taken as saints important to our lives.

I was taken back when I received a package from my Grandma yesterday.  She mentioned that she had received a handkerchief from St. Lucy's parish where the Shrine of St. Gerard is located.  She has always had an affinity for him, especially when she was pregnant.  Case in point, one of my uncles is a Gerard :)  She said she was passing it on to me because she thought I might like to have it and to remember that she was praying for us now as we try to figure out what's going on and how/if we can become parents again.  The handkerchief came with an explanation of where it came from, which you can find here.

So basically I have a "3rd class" relic of St. Gerard to help make my prayers more tangible.  I know that some outside of Catholicism (and plenty within) might look skeptically at the idea of relics and I can understand it.  I reminded myself as I held it that it was not magic but it wasn't just a piece of powerless fabric either.  It is blessed and touched to the actual handkerchief of St. Gerard.  It has power in that it can give me something to touch, a physical reminder that there was a man that knew God well and has been known to help us with his prayers from heaven.  He was real, his prayers have been real, just like my living Grandmother's and my deceased Grandfather's (because I know he's talking off the ear of Jesus right now) prayers for me are real.  I'm so thankful for my Grandmother's sending it.  I need all the reminders I can get, verbal, physical, etc. that I am being prayed for, that I am blessed regardless of whether or not my prayer for a #2 is ever answered.  I need all the reminders I can get to PRAY, pray to the author of Life.  He alone will supply whatever it is that I truly need.  He can transform whatever life hands me into being a vehicle for grace into my life.   PHew... amen.