Thursday, February 21, 2013

Glad I Went

This week has not been kind to me.  I found out for the 19th month in a row that I am not pregnant.  A friend of mine lost her mom to breast cancer on Monday.  I got scheduled for further testing on my heart to see why I've been having palpitations.  The Hubs' great aunt passed away yesterday.  My brother's flight was cancelled so I won't get to spend as much time with him...  I think things are just weighing on me.

But, of course, I go to Mass and I hear a homily reflecting on the reading and gospel in which Father says straight out, "Courageously ask God."

Readings: http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/022113.cfm

The first reading is from Esther which highlights the virtue of courage.  She was chosen as one of the wives of the king of Persia but was from Jewish descent.  In order to save her people by asking the King not to wipe them out she risks her life by going to the king unsummoned.  She was rewarded for her actions and the genocide did not take place as it was planned.

The Gospel was one that you hear often quoted with these gems:

“Ask and it will be given to you;

seek and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you."

"If you then, who are wicked,

know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your heavenly Father give good things

to those who ask him."
The faithful part of me said, YES, good news and truth!  The bitter part of me said, jeez, have I not been knocking loud enough?!  That's how my life goes these days though.  Overall, I know that I am ridiculously blessed but I selfishly get hung up on not receiving a GIFT.

I couldn't help but be struck by the fact that I felt like I was losing hope and felt compelled to get to Mass one morning and I'm greeted with these readings and a homily that spells it out for me...

Courageously Ask God.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Waning hope

Well, no official showing of AF but there's been lots of signs it's on it's way...  I usually start on peak plus 12 so I'm on lookout.  I really thought this cycle might be different, but I'd be surprised if it's a positive cycle.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Ash Wednesday thoughts and links

It's that day again where Catholics flock to Mass for a day that isn't even a Holy Day of Obligation!  I think it's because repentance is something we can all understand we need a little more of in our lives.  This is a day where Catholics are "bound" to fast and to abstain from eating meat.  I found it so interesting as I listened to the DJ on Catholic Radio use the word "bound" this morning.  I thought it a rather good word choice.  Basically, if you consider yourself Catholic, you bind yourself to this Church if you choose and therefore carry out certain practices.  We're obligated to fast and abstain in so far as we commit ourselves to living a life in the Church.  It's not about what we can't do (eat :) ) but who we choose to be.

+
Going to Mass with a toddler is always interesting and I never know just what will make it's way through the distractions to me.  This morning it was the Opening prayer (yes, were actually there on time, shock! and I had to call myself on my pride... really, about being on time for Church... yup, it's not like it happens that often)  Aaanyway.  So here's some text of the opening prayer in case you were also being distracted by a toddler with the little Disney Cars cars almost quietly zooming up and down the kneeler:
"Grant, O Lord, that we may begin with holy fasting this campaign of Christian service,
so that, as we take up battle against spiritual evils, we may be armed with weapons of self-restraint..."  How's that for telling it like it is!?
We ask (through the words of the priest) that God would bless this first day of Lent, that he might make our fasting holy today.  See the first link below for more on holy fasting, I think Meg says it well so I won't be repetitious.  Also the prayer is referring to the 6 weeks of Lent as a campaign of Christian service.  It's a time of doing.  We decide on our actions by asking ourselves what will we fast from (or "give up"), what will we give (charity), and what will we do to increase our prayer?  Only the individual person can assess their own spiritual condition but I would advise anyone to take it to prayer.  Allow God into your "campaign of Christian service."  After all, isn't he the ultimate model for such service?

The second line of the prayer helped me once again to see the value of fasting in my life.  If I want to be spiritually strong I need to have self-control, it a tool given to us by God but developed through our willing practice.  And I need all the practice I can get.  I don't know about you but if I'm going up against spiritual evils you better believe I want all the weapons possible.

I pray that God blesses you during Lent in whatever way you are in most need!


La La Lenten Linkage:

I found this post by Meg to be an excellent call to action when I was thinking "yeah, yeah, we fast every year..."

This post was written by Tim O'Malley about Pope Benedict's resignation and what it can teach us during Lent.

Dealing with infertility?  Here's a fantastic post about how you can use that experience to grow during Lent and Holy Week.  This was another great read in preparation for Lent.  (would be good even if not dealing with IF :)

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Cyclical thoughts

So it's Day 22 of this cycle and I have to say I'm finding myself more hopeful than usual.  I think there's a couple reasons why.  And by the way I think it's a good thing to find myself hopeful.  If and when AF comes I'll be sad so why not be optimistic until then?  Sometimes I have this attitude and sometimes I don't, but I usually feel better all around if I do.

Ok, back to the reasons:

1. I peaked earlier this cycle than I have... um since I started seriously charting 5 years ago.  I usually hit a day between 17 and 22... this was on day 15!  It may not sound like much but it's something different and to have charts and charts of cycles that don't seem to change no matter what the Dr. or I do (other than stress, but that's accounted for) it's just nice to see something different.  So why might this have happened?  Well, the big task this cycle was to stay consistent with my anti-inflammatory diet and exercise.  And much my (and perhaps Hubs's) surprise I've stuck with it much better than in the past.  Hmmm, a little bit of Grace?  That leads me to number...

2. I've carried around my St. Gerard handkerchief... remember I didn't know what to do with it?  Well, I pretty much just kept it in my pocket and was constantly reminded to "have hope" and that it doesn't have to be "in just my hands."  Those just happen to be the phrases that kept coming to mind as I asked St. Gerard to pray for me.  There really is power in having something physical to remind us to pray whether it be a scapular, a medal, a rosary, a cross in your pocket, or even something from a loved one who has past.  Think about how important wedding rings are to people or handing on something in a will.  Hmm, I think there's a whole post on that topic in me.  On the future blog post topic list it goes!


So I've been surrounded by babies and comments about "when is the next one coming" and my mind has actually starting to think again about what a newborn needs and what would I do with two kids...  Ug.  I probably sound contradictory but this actual concrete seeing myself with a baby feels like dangerous thinking.  The hopefulness of #1 is about getting pregnant, not about having the baby.  Once I do, then I'll get excited and worried about the practicality of things.  So my optimism is good until it gets carried away.  Then I am set up for uber disappointment when AF comes.  Aaaaand I think this all is only making sense in my head.  Sorry to put you through that paragraph.

To sum up: I'm feeling hopeful, my diet seems to be making some sort of difference (or allowing the drugs to make a difference) and I'm leaning a little more on prayer.