St. Gerard

I know that one of the patron saints to look to for intercession with motherhood (or desire for motherhood) is St. Gerard.  Him and St. Gianna have been invoked semi-nightly for their help and prayers, as well as the others that Hubs and I have taken as saints important to our lives.

I was taken back when I received a package from my Grandma yesterday.  She mentioned that she had received a handkerchief from St. Lucy's parish where the Shrine of St. Gerard is located.  She has always had an affinity for him, especially when she was pregnant.  Case in point, one of my uncles is a Gerard :)  She said she was passing it on to me because she thought I might like to have it and to remember that she was praying for us now as we try to figure out what's going on and how/if we can become parents again.  The handkerchief came with an explanation of where it came from, which you can find here.

So basically I have a "3rd class" relic of St. Gerard to help make my prayers more tangible.  I know that some outside of Catholicism (and plenty within) might look skeptically at the idea of relics and I can understand it.  I reminded myself as I held it that it was not magic but it wasn't just a piece of powerless fabric either.  It is blessed and touched to the actual handkerchief of St. Gerard.  It has power in that it can give me something to touch, a physical reminder that there was a man that knew God well and has been known to help us with his prayers from heaven.  He was real, his prayers have been real, just like my living Grandmother's and my deceased Grandfather's (because I know he's talking off the ear of Jesus right now) prayers for me are real.  I'm so thankful for my Grandmother's sending it.  I need all the reminders I can get, verbal, physical, etc. that I am being prayed for, that I am blessed regardless of whether or not my prayer for a #2 is ever answered.  I need all the reminders I can get to PRAY, pray to the author of Life.  He alone will supply whatever it is that I truly need.  He can transform whatever life hands me into being a vehicle for grace into my life.   PHew... amen.

TEBB

Isn't it funny how quickly you catch on to fertility language. :)  I got my computer out to put my detective skills to use after noticing 3 days of brown bleeding at the end of my period this past week.  It's not uncommon for me to have a day here or there at the beginning or end but not usually 3 days.  So I, of course, got stuck online reading all kinds of other in/subfertile blogs.  I can't even say how much their example and honestly helps me in my own journey.  For example, Mom & Then Some inspired me to go ahead with surgery last October after reading her trials.  Others have inspired me to ask more specific questions, look into vitamins and prayers etc.

My current theory is maybe it's some kind of infection for either me and/or Hubs.  I was strep-B positive at the birth of #1 and never got the antibiotics (labor went quickly) and Hubs tests showed some minor inflammation that no one seemed to bat an eye at.  I was told that we should keep with the Clomid/Prog, etc process for 2 more months and then we'll reconsider with fresh eyes.  So I'll have to bring up questions but know that we may not get to answering them for a little while.

My job- fertility detective

Well, I've had 4 effective cycles as of about a week ago.  That means that we've had 4 months of all conditions being right to conceive and it just not happening.  My hope that there was one small thing in the way that needed dealt with is slowly disappearing.  I can't believe it's still there at all after a year and a half of trying, surgery endless vitamins and lots of hormones...  I spend a good part of each day playing detective, trying to think of absolutely anything that may explain why I'm not getting pregnant.  My big frustration is that I can't see any issues.  My charts and mucus signs look great, my PMS isn't bad, no brown bleeding, etc.  I'm left wondering what is really going on.  That's why I jumped at surgery last year and that didn't find anything big red flags either, although it took care of some troubling things (mild endo and a cyst on one tube).

I don't know if I'll ever stop googling everything under the sun to see if there's some magic bullet or pill or issue that's causing all this.  WHAT is the invisible perpetrator!

Tip of the iceberg

I feel like my friends and family can only take so much talk about fertility.  It's here that I hope to post thoughts and comments that I'd like to say outloud but for the sake of my reputation and sometimes relationships I think it would be better to process them in my own head.  A lot of what I'm talking about has to do with bitterness.  There are so many times that secondary infertility haunts me.  Especially on quiet days where my son takes a long nap.  Then I wonder, outloud through tears in my kitchen, about how long, how LONG! will it be til I have another one to care for and be a sibling for my son and make quitting my job worth it and quench this ache I have in my heart to be the mom of many, and .... ok, I could go on for awhile.  But for now I won't, that's what this blog is for and future posts are swirling around my mind waiting to be typed, some bitter and some just about how this journey has taught me compassion and faithfulness.

For now, I have to run some errands, which may turn into AN errand based on this crazy cold rain coming down.

Starting something new

I did it, after months of thinking a personal blog may be beneficial I finally got one up.  

I'm one of those people that gets sucked into thinking that I have to have all the tiny details just right in order to start a project.  I figured that if we made it to this past Christmas still without being pregnant that I would stop procrastinating (and believing I didn't really have something to say) and create this space.  My hope is that here on this blog I will be able to be myself and be honest about my journey with secondary infertility as well as include other various musing about faith and family life.

It's time to start something new.