Angry Tears

I was doing so well!!!!  I was all composed and trusting that God had my heart.  I was repeating the mantra "soon, it will be soon" and trying to be hopeful. 

And then CD1.

I'm thankful I have so much to do around the house, lots of cleaning, painting and planning for a family party at the end of the week and a few sewing jobs to attend to.  The only problem is that my work gets all blurry through sudden angry tears that creep up on me.  Ug, some months the no is just harder to take than others. 

The naproNurse was out yesterday so my doc did my cycle review over the phone herself.  She reviewed everything we've done and the one thing yet to do.  At the end she added up all the effective cycles we've gone through (where everything was in place for there to be a pregnancy) and just said, "well huh."  Well HUH!?!... I repeated in my head... are you stumped... tell me you're not stumped... you can't be stumped... this is not the end of the line... does that mean I'm doing everything possible?!  Actually, I think it means that other than a little bit of TEBB we haven't found any big red flag problems to solve.  Everything looks great.  As frustrating as all this is going through my head, I have to remember that if I was with a typical RE I would have been labeled with "unexplained infertility" and given the choice between ART options or go home a year ago.  Thank God for Nap.ro.  THANK GOD.

All this frustration is wrecking havoc on my ability to parent the one child I do have and that's not right, I feel so guilty.  I gotta go get stuff done and pray a bunch.

Prayers appreciated!

It's a no ice cream summer... AHHHH!

An update in treatment:
I'm mid-cycle at the moment and trying to be hopeful.  I'm doing pretty well with everything right now because we have a list of things to do and try so even if it's not this month.  This month I began the Low Dose Nal.trexone or LDN.  Dr. S was saying that it should help with anxiety, cortisol and overall immune health.  All of this could mean that the inflammation (what we currently are pursuing as the issue) could go down while on this med.  I've already starting the vivid dreams that come with the LDN... and I thought it would be scary but they're actually kinda fun.  It's usually what I would normally dream about just more often and maybe a little more detailed.

Along with the LDN I'm going gluten free and dairy free. This was after reading this post and the links that she offered to Dr. Boyle's work.  He hates giving his patients diets but when he uses LDN he suggests they go GF and DF because it seems to make the med more effective consistently.  I have nothing to lose but my favorite foods so I'm going for it. (btw, if you've thought at all about LDN or am a Napro Nerd like me, you'll find his presentation very interesting.  Many thanks to the blogger who posted it!) I'm giving up pizza and cheese and cake and ice cream all just in case it means that I can get pregnant.  Every once in awhile I hear that bitter voice in the back of my head saying, "but other girls don't have to eat right or sleep right or .... to get pregnant" but you know what, I have to play the hand of cards that life dealt to me.  I can either whine to God about it or ask him to help me.  (this is not to say in any way that this is easy or I think like this all the time, if you've read anything on this blog you know this :) )

Making it Known

Phew it's been too long since I blogged, but I promise it's because the last 3 weeks have been spent packing, travelling, unpacking, doing laundry, having a guest, painting the house and other projects. This is one of the first days in awhile that I've actually sat down at the computer in an afternoon.

I learned something important while spending time with my extended family.  It's easier to just have IF out there sometimes.  God works through people and in my case, especially family.  I have been blessed in so many ways to have all of the family I do.  My mom has made it known on her side, I think, that we're struggling with SIF.  I wasn't sure what, if anything, has been said to my dad's.  From the couple conversations I've had recently, I don't think anything.  I'm not saying that this is good or bad, I just didn't know who knew, so to speak.

Sooo long story short, a couple of my cousins and aunt found my blog (I admit a part of me hoped they would).  Having my aunt give me a prayer card of Mary, Undoer of Knots that she just happened to come by when asking a friend to pray for us was something that made me feel incredibly thankful and relieved.  I'm thankful for all the prayers that are being said for me and for us right now by so many people.  [As a sidenote, I'm also struck by how crosses are crosses and everyone has them.  My aunt and her daughters don't struggle with IF and relate to me in that way but I'm sure they have their own struggles.  I was touched that she took me aside and told me that they were keeping me in their prayers.]

Another element to having it out there to anyone, family, friend, etc, is that I know I'm not being judged.  One of the most disconcerting things for me in the IF struggle is that someone might think I'm contracepting, or not open to life or that I just don't dig the mom thing or something.  I've had people ask me when the next one is coming and it makes me feel like I'm in trouble or something.  I know I shouldn't be worried about other people's judgements, but I can't help it sometimes, darn human nature!

One more thing- the day that I talked to my aunt was also the day that we had family mass (my uncle is a priest and he says masses at our huge annual-ish family gatherings).  I was asked to read and this is what I was given.  My voice didn't crack, but it was close.  Probably also because I had just started my period the day before and we all know how emotionally stable we are around that time.

Reading 2 Rom 5:1-5

Brothers and sisters:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith,
we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
through whom we have gained access by faith
to this grace in which we stand,
and we boast in hope of the glory of God.
Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions,
knowing that affliction produces endurance,
and endurance, proven character,
and proven character, hope,
and hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts
through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.

So I read this at Mass and then I received the prayer card from my aunt later on.  I'd say that the Lord was keeping me in mind.  As I read I couldn't help but wonder if anyone knew what my "affliction" was.  Well a few did and made it abundantly clear that I'm blessed because they know.


Shout out to aunt M, T.H. and M.S. if you girls are reading :)