Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Angry Tears

I was doing so well!!!!  I was all composed and trusting that God had my heart.  I was repeating the mantra "soon, it will be soon" and trying to be hopeful. 

And then CD1.

I'm thankful I have so much to do around the house, lots of cleaning, painting and planning for a family party at the end of the week and a few sewing jobs to attend to.  The only problem is that my work gets all blurry through sudden angry tears that creep up on me.  Ug, some months the no is just harder to take than others. 

The naproNurse was out yesterday so my doc did my cycle review over the phone herself.  She reviewed everything we've done and the one thing yet to do.  At the end she added up all the effective cycles we've gone through (where everything was in place for there to be a pregnancy) and just said, "well huh."  Well HUH!?!... I repeated in my head... are you stumped... tell me you're not stumped... you can't be stumped... this is not the end of the line... does that mean I'm doing everything possible?!  Actually, I think it means that other than a little bit of TEBB we haven't found any big red flag problems to solve.  Everything looks great.  As frustrating as all this is going through my head, I have to remember that if I was with a typical RE I would have been labeled with "unexplained infertility" and given the choice between ART options or go home a year ago.  Thank God for Nap.ro.  THANK GOD.

All this frustration is wrecking havoc on my ability to parent the one child I do have and that's not right, I feel so guilty.  I gotta go get stuff done and pray a bunch.

Prayers appreciated!

4 comments:

  1. Praying. My heart hurts for you if that helps at all. So many things effect our ability to parent, so many things that our out of our control. Could it be harder with August coming up? Like a weird month trigger since that is when you started ttc (I think) almost 2 years ago? Im praying for you sister. Hang in there and tears are just fine!

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  2. Realizing that you need to do better for your little boy is what makes you a good parent! Praying, still praying!

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  3. "Some months the no is just harder to take than others." So so true!

    Be kind to yourself, let your kiddo be a Simon to you, but also let those tears fall, They are much better out than in!

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  4. You guys are awesome, thank you for all your responses:
    Ry- I think the fact that Aug. marks another year gone is part of it, but in thinking about it I think that maybe this year it's the fact that the little guy's bday is coming up again and he still has no sibs...

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