Ticking Clock... nope...Mary, Undoer of Knots

I've been coming up from the knockout of CD1 and feeling pretty good, doing my best to give the struggle of IF to God.  The sunshine has helped today.  But I ran across that fateful phrase today when looking into some vitamin supplements, "after 35 a woman's fertility declines rapidly."  Aaaand that ticking clock, tummy ache thing came back.  It's hard to describe what I feel physically when I stress myself out with fertility like this.  The best I can describe is a knot in my stomach that tightens and loosens but I just can't seem to ever really get rid of.  When I see a new baby or hear of a pregnancy announcement it gets really tight and almost physically painful and when I'm in a good place of prayer and surrender I feel it as soon as I think about it again.

Last fall I came across a title of Mary that I hadn't heard before.  She has been called "Mary, Undoer of Knots"  Learn more about where the image came from and what it's come to mean in our time here.  I heard this 3 different places within a month or two.  I haven't really thought about it for months.  Apparantly our current pope is a big fan of the image of Mary, Undoer of Knots.

Hmmmm

So I think this post is a really good example of the Holy Spirit working through blogging... I sat down to complain about biological clocks ticking/woe is me, etc and somehow that idea got hijacked and it became all about prayer and Mary and her ability to help us with the knots in our lives.  I guess I'll start looking into the novena, even if the prayers don't end in a pregnancy, I could sure use some help with this knot :)

New day, new cycle

The hubs listened so well this morning as I threw out some of my frustrating thoughts and he even agreed that he's getting to that point where he's wondering what God wants us to be doing with our time.  We have this sense that we're just stuck and waiting to get back on track.  Actually, that's the brighter side of things.  I realized that the dreary day a few weeks ago was really because it hit me hard, for whatever reason that this might be it, I may have secondary infertility forever.  After a year and a half, surgery and Napro protocol you'd think it would have sunk in by now, and it has to some degree.  I have a good cry around CD 1 each month because it hits me harder and is that much more real.  On a day to day basis though, I'm in some sort of denial, that soon we'll figure it out, fix it and get on with my vocation of being a mom to many...

But reality calls. Time to call for a Cycle Review and find a new cycle saint.  I'm looking forward to the biopsy (as much as one can look forward to a biopsy, ug) because as always, I'm just hoping for more info into anything that could be causing this wait. I also am wanting to see my estrodiol level without the clomid for the first time in 8 months.  It seemed to go up a little in the last few months even while I kept the same level of clomid, so maybe with the help of the Anti-inflammatory diet?  If I could not do a drug to help with with Estrodiol that would be great.  There's a good chance I'll still end up with Letrozole though.

Cycle saint (thanks to the Saint Generator from Jen Fulwiler): St. Andrew Dung Lac

He was a Vietnamese priest executed by beheading in 1839. He is a saint and martyr of the Catholic Church. I'm thinking he'll give me some perspective on suffering :)

Still keeping up with the Gianna novena.

Offering up my physical pain for those in the IF blogging community and my IRL friends who are dealing with grief.

Waiting for AF

It's p+12, the last day of prog, and usually the day AF shows up.

But I'm trying to keep it all in the background (although sorta unsuccessfully.)  I'm going to enjoy the beautiful day, walking through an open house for my in-laws and eat a dinner I don't have to make.

Cycle Saints and Prayer

Yeah, I know it's not a conventional thing to do.  I've been using Jen Fulwiler's Saint Generator to find a saint  for each cycle.  I liked the idea of having one for the whole year, but I wanted to befriend more saints, learn about more of them and ask for more prayers.  So when AF arrives I get to go find out which one I will learn about and pray with for the next 34ish days.

So far there's been some fun coincidences, as there is likely to be with a faith that is so tangible and relevant on a day to day basis.  Here's a few.

• The first time I did it I got my confirmation sain,t who's my usual go to, and I had done the generator to find someone new.  There she was... St. Therese :)
• I had St. Josephine Bakhita once and her feast day landed around peak day of that cycle.
• St. Teresa of Avila is up now and in the book I'm reading (Love&Salt) the 2 women quote her and talk about her quite a bit.

I like this little ritual, it makes me feel as if so many in heaven are ready to listen, especially when I need it most.

I've also been feeling called to pray the rosary on a daily basis because of a few different experiences.  I fall asleep with a rosary in my hand every night but I'm lucky if I get past the 3 opening hail mary's mainly because of being so distracted at that time.  It's something I'll have to work on.

I'm also hopping on board the St. Gianna novena (thanks to the blog Making God Laugh) which starts tonight.  I printed out the prayers and will keep the paper on my nightstand in an effort to hit every night.  I love the idea of novenas but I can't tell you how many I've started and not finished.  

So I guess the key to all of this is to be more consistent in my prayer!

Bloglovin...

Being a total follower.  Just in case you are using Bloglovin'...

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Dreary

This is going to be a loooooong day.  My young one is wondering why his mommy is so tired, sad and staring out into space this morning.  And it's not even 10am yet.  It's raining and I feel like that's just how I feel, dreary, even after yesterday's positive sono.  I think some days the cross you carry is just a little harder to lift, no matter what cross it is.  

It all may have something to do with a friend announcing she was pregnant, an unexpected challenge for her at this time in her life.  Hard to hear but I do get it.  I sympathized with her and showed my support and congratulations but then the conversation in the room went to "everybody's getting pregnant right now" and "there's definitely a baby boom going on." I felt like I was doing well keeping my own feelings at bay in the moment but I think the after comments got stuck echoing in my head as I left.  I woke up just wanting to say to somebody, "well... not everybody."

So I'll just say it to my blog :)

Seeing more of Myself... literally

So I went to the dr yesterday.  We went around a little on what possible directions to try next and we settled on looking into 2 things.

1. doing a series of sonograms to make sure that I am, in fact, ovulating (it was day 14 so perfect timing)

2. antibiotics to treat my TEBB (deciding whether or not to do an internal biopsy to see if there is something we can treat for definitively or if we just do the most commonly effective antibiotics)

Ended up that the sono tech was available so I went down the hall and got started on the series.  She found good lining, an open cervix and a 23mm follicle on the left side, wahoo!  The follicle was determined to be definitive so I had to go back this morning to check and see.  I was also told to get busy since I would most likely ovulate later that day or night.  Well she was right!  I O'ed on day 14, what?!  I'm normally an 18-22 day kinda gal!  I love being a week early though.  I'm already in the 2WW rather than evaluating every day for every signal for the next week to try to pinpoint Peak day.

So I'm timidly excited I guess, though I'm not sure why.  I've done this over and over, it feels the same other than the earlier timing and visual confirmation that everything is right.  I guess if this month doesn't work we have to start looking into the next step of things.  Are the sperm and egg really meeting, is the egg good quality, is there a problem with implanting?  Still some questions but I like knowing that I can ovulate on my own and that even if the clomid helped up the estrogen, I've probably been cycling just fine before it and now after it.  So the issue has to be somewhere else?

I'm determined to hope.  I'm willing myself to be hopeful.  Cuz gosh darn it, YOU NEVER KNOW!

Easter etc.

Phew, it's been awhile for posting but I haven't known exactly how to put everything. Unfortunately when I take breaks from posting I end up just feeling like my head is full of things I don't know how to write about.  But enough with that, you just gotta jump back in.

Last month was another negative, I think that makes 20 months now.  I didn't cry about it, I knew that hope was on the horizon, I have a dr appt coming up and the 6 months of clomid trying could possibly come to an end.  Of course, my SIL showing up to Easter surprisingly visibly pregnant was a little of a trial, I think God's grace came through for me and helped me see it as a wonderful blessing for them... because it is.  I hate that this fertility struggle makes me into someone I don't want to be.  I don't like the automatic selfishness.  It pops up when I don't want it to and then has to be squashed with the help of prayer and perspective.  I guess it's that way for lots of situations, if it wasn't with fertility it would be a struggle with something else.  I just hate wanting to cry for myself when I know I should be jumping up and down with them.

Easter Sunday's homily was great and the main theme was Jesus fixing our brokenness.  Monsignor related it to when as a kid he or we would break something we knew we shouldn't have and then many times have that feeling of shame and impending punishment.  He said that instead of hiding our brokenness, whether caused by us or not isn't helpful, Jesus is the one who will fix it, fix you.  He already has fixed our eternal possibility.  I prayed for awhile afterward with some tears in my eyes for Jesus to just "fix me."  I'm sure I've said it before but more prayer can never hurt.

Overall, Easter and the past weeks have been wonderful.  I married a man with a GREAT family and a mother who has proven herself one of the most thoughtful MILs possible.  (2 of what could be many examples: she called to warn us about the pregnancy announcement so we could emotionally prepare ourselves, and she bought some mild red wine for me to drink through the week)

I'm looking forward to my next appt on the 9th to see where we're headed in this battle... tests to determine the opponent we're fighting, more med ideas?