Good Friday

I have a post for today for later but it's off to Church.  For now...

For the sake of His sorrowful passion...

Feeling Done and Oddly Scared

I didn't really see the feelings of this past week coming.  I've felt "done" alot in this SIF struggle but for once it's sticking around for more than a few minutes/hours.  I'm tired and not just sleepy tired.  Emotionally tired.

I think alot of this comes from a fear of getting pregnant... I know, that phrase sounds utterly ridiculous because I've been so focused on getting pregnant and explaining to God about how willing I am to raise children and lead them to him, etc, etc.  I think it's from hearing about a women losing two babies (first was stillborn, the second died a few days after birth) and seeing a friend's 2 week old.  I forgot that they start out that small!  Maybe adding to it is my 2 and a half year old going face first into the fireplace this week and I've never been so scared as when whipping him around to figure out what the damage was.  Thank goodness it was just a scrape and goose egg that is already looking much better.  What I'm getting at is the awesome (as in really big and important) responsibility it is to have children which can scare the pants off of me if I think about it too much or for too long.  In the end, I recognize how important the job of parenting is.

This fear of something going wrong with your child, that's always there, just seemed to bubble up and make the selfish part of me come out in the last several days.  I mean, maybe I had my child and I should just be thankful and be done.  Why worry over another one (esp SIDS, ug) when I already have captain crazy to worry about.  But I know that all this fear and all the selfish remarks in my head, while valid to acknowledge, come from just being tired of the journey.  I really thought that deep down I was given the vocation to be a mom of many.  I'm starting to doubt my vocation, my worth, my confidence.  Again, maybe I'm just tired.

Week and a half and I'll know if this cycle worked but seeing as how nothing has changed this cycle, I'm not all that hopeful.

Infertile Night Owl?

I was reading Marilyn Shannon's book (again) that I got when we learned Sympto-thermal.  In her chapter on Infertility in Women she has a section on Night Lighting.  I usually kind of laugh a little and think of how I light my night light in our Master bath that makes enough light for me to be safe getting up and down at night and then hope that's not it.  

Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to look up the doctor she was referring to which took me to this article.  Very interesting!  I wonder if wearing an eye mask to sleep in would help and then allow me to keep the night light on just in case.

A simple google search of "sleep infertility" brought up this citing 8 bad habits that could be contributing to infertility.  Yup, the first one is staying up too late at night.  Super guilty.  

I've never been a morning person and I can stay up good and late.  Sometimes I feel like it's a bad habit but most times I think my internal clock is just perpetually off of the rest of normal humanity.  I consulted with my dr and she suggested Melatonin supplements in the evenings on prepeak days that I needed help getting sleepy at a normal time.

So I’ll have to keep all this in mind and maybe do some more research or bring it to my doc.