Feeling Done and Oddly Scared

I didn't really see the feelings of this past week coming.  I've felt "done" alot in this SIF struggle but for once it's sticking around for more than a few minutes/hours.  I'm tired and not just sleepy tired.  Emotionally tired.

I think alot of this comes from a fear of getting pregnant... I know, that phrase sounds utterly ridiculous because I've been so focused on getting pregnant and explaining to God about how willing I am to raise children and lead them to him, etc, etc.  I think it's from hearing about a women losing two babies (first was stillborn, the second died a few days after birth) and seeing a friend's 2 week old.  I forgot that they start out that small!  Maybe adding to it is my 2 and a half year old going face first into the fireplace this week and I've never been so scared as when whipping him around to figure out what the damage was.  Thank goodness it was just a scrape and goose egg that is already looking much better.  What I'm getting at is the awesome (as in really big and important) responsibility it is to have children which can scare the pants off of me if I think about it too much or for too long.  In the end, I recognize how important the job of parenting is.

This fear of something going wrong with your child, that's always there, just seemed to bubble up and make the selfish part of me come out in the last several days.  I mean, maybe I had my child and I should just be thankful and be done.  Why worry over another one (esp SIDS, ug) when I already have captain crazy to worry about.  But I know that all this fear and all the selfish remarks in my head, while valid to acknowledge, come from just being tired of the journey.  I really thought that deep down I was given the vocation to be a mom of many.  I'm starting to doubt my vocation, my worth, my confidence.  Again, maybe I'm just tired.

Week and a half and I'll know if this cycle worked but seeing as how nothing has changed this cycle, I'm not all that hopeful.