What went right??????

Maybe this is a tad weird, and if you're not from the Napro/IF community it's probably TMI so tune back in some other time but in case you're in a similar situation here's some things that may have gone into being able to get pregnant after years of secondary IF.  I have stumbled on some posts about what may have worked for others and it was always interesting to see what others' have been doing.

My husband, an engineer, also wanted me to write it down so we would have the data to refer to later. HA!

Of course, these things are mysterious, no one will ever know what exactly it was that made this time different from the last 23+ cycles, but for what it's worth, here goes:

Things we were doing/did differently that may have contributed:
- LDN (this was the first cycle will the full dose every day from CD1)
- diet change for me- gluten free, dairy free
- post peak progesterone supplement
- mucinex (taken around 11am and 11pm with plenty of water)
- vitamins- prenatal
- fish oil morning and night
- Men's FertilityBlend vitamin's for DH morning and night and 1000mg of C

Here's the TMI part but I think the most interesting:
- one week of daily morning "baby dancing" with projected peak day in the middle of the week.  I know morning isn't Creigh,ton suggested but when we went back to see what we did when trying for number one, that was something we did on the cycle that worked with him, so we figured we'd try that again.  And it worked again.  Do the little guys swim better in the morning?  Did I have have lots of great usable mucus before I stood up and got moving for the day? WHO KNOWS!  I also dozed on my back for an hour afterward while DH got ready for work, also not Creigh.ton method suggested, but again, what we did the first time.

Sooooo, welcome to my personal life :)  No really, I'm a firm believer that hearing other's experiences can help us see things differently, give us ideas of things to try or just help us realize how many ways there are to get to the same goal.  So there you have it, what MIGHT have worked.

Unexpectly Blessed!

I'm 14 weeks pregnant, and still in a little shock.

Yup.  That's the reason for my falling off the face of the earth blog for the last, oh, 2 months or so.  That and not knowing how to announce it here.  The last post about taking a test that evening cuz I couldn't wait... we did and got the shock of our lives.  Truthfully my reaction went like this:
1. see test
2. take test to hubs
3. he says, "no way" and we just stare at each other silently for minutes
4. pray in thanksgiving for our blessing and for those we know who want nothing more than to see a positive test like the one we were holding
5. continue trying to process/sleep
6. shock wears off just enough to cry tears of joy/thanksgiving laying in bed while waking up


Some sort of bumbling disclaimer paragraph:
To be honest I haven't known what I would write here if this happened.  This blog has been my connection to some amazing women who have, in internet land, and real life helped me through the last two years more than I could EVER EXPRESS IN WORDS!!!  I hate the idea that my good news would cause pain to anyone else.  I hope you understand when I say with all honesty I'm glad I'm not dealing with IF, at this moment, but I DO mourn the "walk with you" relationships that have already been affected.  I hope to be seen as a NaPro success and a source of hope rather than a thorn in the side of those still dealing with IF.  I'm sure none of that was super eloquently stated but I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make.


How it's going so far:
It was not, in any way, an easy first trimester.  I had voluntarily gone gluten free and dairy free after some research into Dr. Boyle's use of LDN and nutrition and I regret that now because I had to stay GF/DF while completely losing my appetite- leading to my eating very little.  I've lost weight because I can't get food down.  I've also had weekly to daily brown bleeding which sets me on edge.  This could be the result of an infection I haven't yet been treated for, or semi normal uterine bleeds, which we saw on the sono.  So I've spent a good deal of time between the couch and the bed the last couple months.  I do NOT mean to complain, I'm darn happy to just be pregnant, but in the interest of sharing experiences, I'm trying to be honest in case anyone else out there is considering LDN or diet changes etc.  Do them one at a time in case the LDN works... diet issues and morning sickness do not play well together!  I'd do it all over again though in a heartbeat if we found that that was actually the right combination of things.  I'm also trying to offer up as much of this stuff as possible for those dealing with IF, but I'm afraid I'm human and probably not doing a good job of it.

Phew, so there it is, I'm pregnant, ecstatic, anxious, tired... and hugely thankful to my NaPro doc for sticking with me and helping to make this possible.  I mean, what kind of doctor's nurse runs over to you and gives you a big hug and tell you she and the doc are so happy on your first trip in for an emergency sono?!  Thankfully everything has looked good so far.

Many thanks to Sts. Gemma, Gianna, Gerard and for all the many prayers offered up by friends and family!!!

Sorry such a long post, thanks if you're still reading.

Waiting

It's day P+14... I very rarely make it this long after peak before AF shows.  I've had cramps for a few days now so I can't imagine any test would come back positive, but I may talk myself into taking one tomorrow morning because I've only made it this long about 3 times in my life. 

And, of course, now that I've said something, I'll start in the next hour or so :)

We're waiting for the results of another culture to see what antibiotics to go on and staying on the LDN.  I've started a list of other hypothesises... hypothesi? of course, just in case we get another cycle or 2 under our belts and are still looking for answers.

More later, just had to get this off of my chest for now.



OH!  PS: Please keep in prayer a friend running a retreat for couples who have lost children.

Random Quick Takes 7-19-2013

Not linking with Jen because this would be a weird post to stumble on.
Some things I've found out about myself...

1.  Some good old fashioned sweating exercise does wonders for anxiety.  I should do more of it!

2. The cycle saint for this cycle is St. Gemma Galgani.  Just FYI, if I got pregnant this cycle there's a very good chance I would be due on her feast day of April 11th.  Yup, I did the math :)

3. Sometimes I feel better when I haven't had enough sleep... I know, it doesn't make sense.

4. I can't look at facebook too much.  Waaaaay too many babies and bump pics.  I think I am a magnet for pregnant bellies, I see them eeeeeverywhere!

5. I've caught myself more than once having the thought of maybe I just can't handle the anxiety another baby would bring (SIDS, birth, nursing, etc.).  Those thoughts scare me, better a road less travelled.  I just have to tell myself that in all things, God will give me the grace I need when I need it.  He hasn't failed me yet.

6. Because of the anti-inflammatory diet for 5 months followed by gluten free/dairy free 2 months this year I've lost almost 20 pounds.  I'm down to the weight I was when I got my drivers' license... what, what!?  Just a little perk of being in conception-ready mode I guess.

7. If I'm not pregnant soon and have to sit in my quiet house while my little one goes to preschool I may have some kind of melt-down.  Check that, I WILL have a meltdown and start looking for a job or something to fill my time because quiet house naptimes are bad enough right now.

Feeling the love

 "When we honestly ask ourselves which [people] in our lies mean the most to us, we often find that is those who instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair of confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."  ~Henri J. M. Nouwen

I feel like I should thank all my "Elizabeths" out there.  I mean those women who, through their prayers, blog posts, walking/play dates, conversations, chart sharings, emails, etc. have been the Elizabeth to my Mary or the Mary to my Elizabeth :)  It is such an amazing blessing to not be alone, whether or not we even share the same cross.

Thank you thank you!

This post has, no doubt, stemmed from some encounters in the last couple weeks and this post from The Road Home (READ HER BLOG!).

Angry Tears

I was doing so well!!!!  I was all composed and trusting that God had my heart.  I was repeating the mantra "soon, it will be soon" and trying to be hopeful. 

And then CD1.

I'm thankful I have so much to do around the house, lots of cleaning, painting and planning for a family party at the end of the week and a few sewing jobs to attend to.  The only problem is that my work gets all blurry through sudden angry tears that creep up on me.  Ug, some months the no is just harder to take than others. 

The naproNurse was out yesterday so my doc did my cycle review over the phone herself.  She reviewed everything we've done and the one thing yet to do.  At the end she added up all the effective cycles we've gone through (where everything was in place for there to be a pregnancy) and just said, "well huh."  Well HUH!?!... I repeated in my head... are you stumped... tell me you're not stumped... you can't be stumped... this is not the end of the line... does that mean I'm doing everything possible?!  Actually, I think it means that other than a little bit of TEBB we haven't found any big red flag problems to solve.  Everything looks great.  As frustrating as all this is going through my head, I have to remember that if I was with a typical RE I would have been labeled with "unexplained infertility" and given the choice between ART options or go home a year ago.  Thank God for Nap.ro.  THANK GOD.

All this frustration is wrecking havoc on my ability to parent the one child I do have and that's not right, I feel so guilty.  I gotta go get stuff done and pray a bunch.

Prayers appreciated!

It's a no ice cream summer... AHHHH!

An update in treatment:
I'm mid-cycle at the moment and trying to be hopeful.  I'm doing pretty well with everything right now because we have a list of things to do and try so even if it's not this month.  This month I began the Low Dose Nal.trexone or LDN.  Dr. S was saying that it should help with anxiety, cortisol and overall immune health.  All of this could mean that the inflammation (what we currently are pursuing as the issue) could go down while on this med.  I've already starting the vivid dreams that come with the LDN... and I thought it would be scary but they're actually kinda fun.  It's usually what I would normally dream about just more often and maybe a little more detailed.

Along with the LDN I'm going gluten free and dairy free. This was after reading this post and the links that she offered to Dr. Boyle's work.  He hates giving his patients diets but when he uses LDN he suggests they go GF and DF because it seems to make the med more effective consistently.  I have nothing to lose but my favorite foods so I'm going for it. (btw, if you've thought at all about LDN or am a Napro Nerd like me, you'll find his presentation very interesting.  Many thanks to the blogger who posted it!) I'm giving up pizza and cheese and cake and ice cream all just in case it means that I can get pregnant.  Every once in awhile I hear that bitter voice in the back of my head saying, "but other girls don't have to eat right or sleep right or .... to get pregnant" but you know what, I have to play the hand of cards that life dealt to me.  I can either whine to God about it or ask him to help me.  (this is not to say in any way that this is easy or I think like this all the time, if you've read anything on this blog you know this :) )

Making it Known

Phew it's been too long since I blogged, but I promise it's because the last 3 weeks have been spent packing, travelling, unpacking, doing laundry, having a guest, painting the house and other projects. This is one of the first days in awhile that I've actually sat down at the computer in an afternoon.

I learned something important while spending time with my extended family.  It's easier to just have IF out there sometimes.  God works through people and in my case, especially family.  I have been blessed in so many ways to have all of the family I do.  My mom has made it known on her side, I think, that we're struggling with SIF.  I wasn't sure what, if anything, has been said to my dad's.  From the couple conversations I've had recently, I don't think anything.  I'm not saying that this is good or bad, I just didn't know who knew, so to speak.

Sooo long story short, a couple of my cousins and aunt found my blog (I admit a part of me hoped they would).  Having my aunt give me a prayer card of Mary, Undoer of Knots that she just happened to come by when asking a friend to pray for us was something that made me feel incredibly thankful and relieved.  I'm thankful for all the prayers that are being said for me and for us right now by so many people.  [As a sidenote, I'm also struck by how crosses are crosses and everyone has them.  My aunt and her daughters don't struggle with IF and relate to me in that way but I'm sure they have their own struggles.  I was touched that she took me aside and told me that they were keeping me in their prayers.]

Another element to having it out there to anyone, family, friend, etc, is that I know I'm not being judged.  One of the most disconcerting things for me in the IF struggle is that someone might think I'm contracepting, or not open to life or that I just don't dig the mom thing or something.  I've had people ask me when the next one is coming and it makes me feel like I'm in trouble or something.  I know I shouldn't be worried about other people's judgements, but I can't help it sometimes, darn human nature!

One more thing- the day that I talked to my aunt was also the day that we had family mass (my uncle is a priest and he says masses at our huge annual-ish family gatherings).  I was asked to read and this is what I was given.  My voice didn't crack, but it was close.  Probably also because I had just started my period the day before and we all know how emotionally stable we are around that time.

Reading 2 Rom 5:1-5

Brothers and sisters:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith,
we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
through whom we have gained access by faith
to this grace in which we stand,
and we boast in hope of the glory of God.
Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions,
knowing that affliction produces endurance,
and endurance, proven character,
and proven character, hope,
and hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts
through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.

So I read this at Mass and then I received the prayer card from my aunt later on.  I'd say that the Lord was keeping me in mind.  As I read I couldn't help but wonder if anyone knew what my "affliction" was.  Well a few did and made it abundantly clear that I'm blessed because they know.


Shout out to aunt M, T.H. and M.S. if you girls are reading :)

The benefit of busy

It's p+8 but I'm not as anxious about cycle stuff as I usually am.  (Note the "as usual" not to be confused with no anxiety because I'm always anxious :)

It's been busy around here!  This past week I attended an ordination of Hubs' college buddy.  We left our son with his parents and drove to the big city for 36 hours of Masses and receptions and friends.  It was wonderful.  I won't lie, I felt a little boring, everyone was asking and answering questions about what they do and the big city they just flew in from, and I just didn't feel cool with my answer of, "yeah, I used to work but now I just stay home." <cricket chirp>  Later, as I thought about feeling lame, I thought of how being serious with NaPro can sometimes mean feeling like you have a first/second job you just don't talk about.  The charting, the blood draws, the meds, the vitamins, the paperwork, the tests, surgeries, recoveries, the time researching any possible reason to it...  
it can be a bit, well, much.

It's tradition to ask the newly ordained priests for a "first blessing." When it was our turn Hubs asked specifically for healing from any infertility.  His friend knows we have a little one already but didn't seem shocked that we'd be struggling after that, thank God.  We made a sort of huddle with our arms around him and his hands on our heads and he prayed over us that God might bless us in everything we do and in a special way that we be healed in whatever way we needed.  What peace.  God has given me alot of grace lately in this struggle and I know that even if the healing never comes for our specific intention, God, who is a good God and giver of all perfect gifts, will not completely forget us.  He will either give us the gift we seek or the strength to go without it.  I'm not always in a place where I can say that, but right now, I'm closer than usual.

It's officially my last day in my twenties.  On this Birthday Eve I'm being treated to a musical tonight and various activities tomorrow including Mass, breakfast, park time, a massage, shopping and dinner with friends.  Holy Cow am I blessed!

This coming weekend and all next week will be travelling and with family.  I should be sitting at a BBQ with all my extended fam as AF hits... whee.  But there's so much to bake and pack and plan... I simply can't let impending AF take up any of my time right now.  There is a benefit to being busy!

Normal

Yup, the biopsy results came back "normal" so no fairy tale antibiotic treatment leading to happily ever after.  :) I'm not really surprised but a little sad.  Again, great that there's nothing wrong, but no red flag to lead us in treatment either.

Just starting the 2WW and looking forward to more talk about endorphin levels, saliva testing, diet and LDN.

Also, starting over on the Novena, I cannot string these days together!  The prayers, when I've done them have been great, but I'd like to try to actually do it day after day.  Oh well.

Biopsy and being Blessed

A Uterine Biopsy... dum dum duuuuum.  Yup, sounds like fun eh?!  It was not, but neither was it horrible.  Some cramps during it but when it was done I felt just fine and ready to go home.

My Doc usually does the biopsy during a laproscopy so you're unconscious but my charts didn't have the TEBB in Sept/Oct when we did the surgery so she didn't do it then.  The sonogram last month went so well and my p+7 draw had good numbers so I'm off the clomid  for a second month, wahoo!  So that brings us to a point where we're reevaluating what we think the cause of my SIF might be.  I still never can tell if having no big red flags as to the cause of it is a good thing or a bad thing. (It means that there's nothing big, but also we don't know what to treat.)

I won't lie, the results have only a 20% chance at coming back positive for some kind of bacteria or fungus but I'm actually hoping that they do.  I mean, how wonderful would it be if we found out it was a bacteria, we did antibiotics and got pregnant and had no trouble getting pregnant from now on?  Geesh, a girl can dream huh! :)

This past weekend I just felt so blessed.  It's so nice to feel it, like the sun came out.  Oh wait, the sun did come out...  :)

Two phrases in one week

Beware, this is slightly more stream of consciousness than usual. :)

I've been putting off starting my Novena of Mary, Undoer of Knots.  I'll try to start tomorrow.  Somebody must be praying for me 'cause this week has been a turn around.  On Wednesday a phrase popped into my head... "Own it."  Not a new concept but one that comes up and needs to be remembers.  Too often I just can't wait to get pregnant and get out of this IF camp.  After almost 2 years of trying for number 2 I need to "own it."  I've been quietly dragging this cross resentfully and reluctantly behind me.  When am I going to allow God to use this cross in my life to help others?  Sure it's one that will shape me, but if God is truly one of merciful love that can order all things for good than I need to allow this cross to be at his use.  I need to contact someone from the diocese and offer to help with something in service to those struggling with infertility around here.  I already know more than a few other women that would probably be willing to help as they have their own struggles themselves.

On Friday is was the phrase, "be courageous."  I was frustrated with how to think about IF, if it is this cross that I need to own and offer up than how do I also fight it at the same time.  I was asking God, how do I accept a struggle and beg for healing at the same time?  Many times our culture talks about the American Dream or the idea that if you work hard you can accomplish anything.  There's the frustration with IF, you can't just work really hard and make it go away by yourself.  So that's where "courageous" came from, I want to be courageous in hope and in desire to understand God's Will for me right now.  I want to be determined in my pursuit of doing what I can to get pregnant but balance myself with the courage to accept where I am and where God wants me to be.

I was going to write about the biopsy I had yesterday, but I think I'll save that for another time.

Ticking Clock... nope...Mary, Undoer of Knots

I've been coming up from the knockout of CD1 and feeling pretty good, doing my best to give the struggle of IF to God.  The sunshine has helped today.  But I ran across that fateful phrase today when looking into some vitamin supplements, "after 35 a woman's fertility declines rapidly."  Aaaand that ticking clock, tummy ache thing came back.  It's hard to describe what I feel physically when I stress myself out with fertility like this.  The best I can describe is a knot in my stomach that tightens and loosens but I just can't seem to ever really get rid of.  When I see a new baby or hear of a pregnancy announcement it gets really tight and almost physically painful and when I'm in a good place of prayer and surrender I feel it as soon as I think about it again.

Last fall I came across a title of Mary that I hadn't heard before.  She has been called "Mary, Undoer of Knots"  Learn more about where the image came from and what it's come to mean in our time here.  I heard this 3 different places within a month or two.  I haven't really thought about it for months.  Apparantly our current pope is a big fan of the image of Mary, Undoer of Knots.

Hmmmm

So I think this post is a really good example of the Holy Spirit working through blogging... I sat down to complain about biological clocks ticking/woe is me, etc and somehow that idea got hijacked and it became all about prayer and Mary and her ability to help us with the knots in our lives.  I guess I'll start looking into the novena, even if the prayers don't end in a pregnancy, I could sure use some help with this knot :)

New day, new cycle

The hubs listened so well this morning as I threw out some of my frustrating thoughts and he even agreed that he's getting to that point where he's wondering what God wants us to be doing with our time.  We have this sense that we're just stuck and waiting to get back on track.  Actually, that's the brighter side of things.  I realized that the dreary day a few weeks ago was really because it hit me hard, for whatever reason that this might be it, I may have secondary infertility forever.  After a year and a half, surgery and Napro protocol you'd think it would have sunk in by now, and it has to some degree.  I have a good cry around CD 1 each month because it hits me harder and is that much more real.  On a day to day basis though, I'm in some sort of denial, that soon we'll figure it out, fix it and get on with my vocation of being a mom to many...

But reality calls. Time to call for a Cycle Review and find a new cycle saint.  I'm looking forward to the biopsy (as much as one can look forward to a biopsy, ug) because as always, I'm just hoping for more info into anything that could be causing this wait. I also am wanting to see my estrodiol level without the clomid for the first time in 8 months.  It seemed to go up a little in the last few months even while I kept the same level of clomid, so maybe with the help of the Anti-inflammatory diet?  If I could not do a drug to help with with Estrodiol that would be great.  There's a good chance I'll still end up with Letrozole though.

Cycle saint (thanks to the Saint Generator from Jen Fulwiler): St. Andrew Dung Lac

He was a Vietnamese priest executed by beheading in 1839. He is a saint and martyr of the Catholic Church. I'm thinking he'll give me some perspective on suffering :)

Still keeping up with the Gianna novena.

Offering up my physical pain for those in the IF blogging community and my IRL friends who are dealing with grief.

Waiting for AF

It's p+12, the last day of prog, and usually the day AF shows up.

But I'm trying to keep it all in the background (although sorta unsuccessfully.)  I'm going to enjoy the beautiful day, walking through an open house for my in-laws and eat a dinner I don't have to make.

Cycle Saints and Prayer

Yeah, I know it's not a conventional thing to do.  I've been using Jen Fulwiler's Saint Generator to find a saint  for each cycle.  I liked the idea of having one for the whole year, but I wanted to befriend more saints, learn about more of them and ask for more prayers.  So when AF arrives I get to go find out which one I will learn about and pray with for the next 34ish days.

So far there's been some fun coincidences, as there is likely to be with a faith that is so tangible and relevant on a day to day basis.  Here's a few.

• The first time I did it I got my confirmation sain,t who's my usual go to, and I had done the generator to find someone new.  There she was... St. Therese :)
• I had St. Josephine Bakhita once and her feast day landed around peak day of that cycle.
• St. Teresa of Avila is up now and in the book I'm reading (Love&Salt) the 2 women quote her and talk about her quite a bit.

I like this little ritual, it makes me feel as if so many in heaven are ready to listen, especially when I need it most.

I've also been feeling called to pray the rosary on a daily basis because of a few different experiences.  I fall asleep with a rosary in my hand every night but I'm lucky if I get past the 3 opening hail mary's mainly because of being so distracted at that time.  It's something I'll have to work on.

I'm also hopping on board the St. Gianna novena (thanks to the blog Making God Laugh) which starts tonight.  I printed out the prayers and will keep the paper on my nightstand in an effort to hit every night.  I love the idea of novenas but I can't tell you how many I've started and not finished.  

So I guess the key to all of this is to be more consistent in my prayer!

Bloglovin...

Being a total follower.  Just in case you are using Bloglovin'...

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Dreary

This is going to be a loooooong day.  My young one is wondering why his mommy is so tired, sad and staring out into space this morning.  And it's not even 10am yet.  It's raining and I feel like that's just how I feel, dreary, even after yesterday's positive sono.  I think some days the cross you carry is just a little harder to lift, no matter what cross it is.  

It all may have something to do with a friend announcing she was pregnant, an unexpected challenge for her at this time in her life.  Hard to hear but I do get it.  I sympathized with her and showed my support and congratulations but then the conversation in the room went to "everybody's getting pregnant right now" and "there's definitely a baby boom going on." I felt like I was doing well keeping my own feelings at bay in the moment but I think the after comments got stuck echoing in my head as I left.  I woke up just wanting to say to somebody, "well... not everybody."

So I'll just say it to my blog :)

Seeing more of Myself... literally

So I went to the dr yesterday.  We went around a little on what possible directions to try next and we settled on looking into 2 things.

1. doing a series of sonograms to make sure that I am, in fact, ovulating (it was day 14 so perfect timing)

2. antibiotics to treat my TEBB (deciding whether or not to do an internal biopsy to see if there is something we can treat for definitively or if we just do the most commonly effective antibiotics)

Ended up that the sono tech was available so I went down the hall and got started on the series.  She found good lining, an open cervix and a 23mm follicle on the left side, wahoo!  The follicle was determined to be definitive so I had to go back this morning to check and see.  I was also told to get busy since I would most likely ovulate later that day or night.  Well she was right!  I O'ed on day 14, what?!  I'm normally an 18-22 day kinda gal!  I love being a week early though.  I'm already in the 2WW rather than evaluating every day for every signal for the next week to try to pinpoint Peak day.

So I'm timidly excited I guess, though I'm not sure why.  I've done this over and over, it feels the same other than the earlier timing and visual confirmation that everything is right.  I guess if this month doesn't work we have to start looking into the next step of things.  Are the sperm and egg really meeting, is the egg good quality, is there a problem with implanting?  Still some questions but I like knowing that I can ovulate on my own and that even if the clomid helped up the estrogen, I've probably been cycling just fine before it and now after it.  So the issue has to be somewhere else?

I'm determined to hope.  I'm willing myself to be hopeful.  Cuz gosh darn it, YOU NEVER KNOW!

Easter etc.

Phew, it's been awhile for posting but I haven't known exactly how to put everything. Unfortunately when I take breaks from posting I end up just feeling like my head is full of things I don't know how to write about.  But enough with that, you just gotta jump back in.

Last month was another negative, I think that makes 20 months now.  I didn't cry about it, I knew that hope was on the horizon, I have a dr appt coming up and the 6 months of clomid trying could possibly come to an end.  Of course, my SIL showing up to Easter surprisingly visibly pregnant was a little of a trial, I think God's grace came through for me and helped me see it as a wonderful blessing for them... because it is.  I hate that this fertility struggle makes me into someone I don't want to be.  I don't like the automatic selfishness.  It pops up when I don't want it to and then has to be squashed with the help of prayer and perspective.  I guess it's that way for lots of situations, if it wasn't with fertility it would be a struggle with something else.  I just hate wanting to cry for myself when I know I should be jumping up and down with them.

Easter Sunday's homily was great and the main theme was Jesus fixing our brokenness.  Monsignor related it to when as a kid he or we would break something we knew we shouldn't have and then many times have that feeling of shame and impending punishment.  He said that instead of hiding our brokenness, whether caused by us or not isn't helpful, Jesus is the one who will fix it, fix you.  He already has fixed our eternal possibility.  I prayed for awhile afterward with some tears in my eyes for Jesus to just "fix me."  I'm sure I've said it before but more prayer can never hurt.

Overall, Easter and the past weeks have been wonderful.  I married a man with a GREAT family and a mother who has proven herself one of the most thoughtful MILs possible.  (2 of what could be many examples: she called to warn us about the pregnancy announcement so we could emotionally prepare ourselves, and she bought some mild red wine for me to drink through the week)

I'm looking forward to my next appt on the 9th to see where we're headed in this battle... tests to determine the opponent we're fighting, more med ideas?

Good Friday

I have a post for today for later but it's off to Church.  For now...

For the sake of His sorrowful passion...

Feeling Done and Oddly Scared

I didn't really see the feelings of this past week coming.  I've felt "done" alot in this SIF struggle but for once it's sticking around for more than a few minutes/hours.  I'm tired and not just sleepy tired.  Emotionally tired.

I think alot of this comes from a fear of getting pregnant... I know, that phrase sounds utterly ridiculous because I've been so focused on getting pregnant and explaining to God about how willing I am to raise children and lead them to him, etc, etc.  I think it's from hearing about a women losing two babies (first was stillborn, the second died a few days after birth) and seeing a friend's 2 week old.  I forgot that they start out that small!  Maybe adding to it is my 2 and a half year old going face first into the fireplace this week and I've never been so scared as when whipping him around to figure out what the damage was.  Thank goodness it was just a scrape and goose egg that is already looking much better.  What I'm getting at is the awesome (as in really big and important) responsibility it is to have children which can scare the pants off of me if I think about it too much or for too long.  In the end, I recognize how important the job of parenting is.

This fear of something going wrong with your child, that's always there, just seemed to bubble up and make the selfish part of me come out in the last several days.  I mean, maybe I had my child and I should just be thankful and be done.  Why worry over another one (esp SIDS, ug) when I already have captain crazy to worry about.  But I know that all this fear and all the selfish remarks in my head, while valid to acknowledge, come from just being tired of the journey.  I really thought that deep down I was given the vocation to be a mom of many.  I'm starting to doubt my vocation, my worth, my confidence.  Again, maybe I'm just tired.

Week and a half and I'll know if this cycle worked but seeing as how nothing has changed this cycle, I'm not all that hopeful.

Infertile Night Owl?

I was reading Marilyn Shannon's book (again) that I got when we learned Sympto-thermal.  In her chapter on Infertility in Women she has a section on Night Lighting.  I usually kind of laugh a little and think of how I light my night light in our Master bath that makes enough light for me to be safe getting up and down at night and then hope that's not it.  

Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to look up the doctor she was referring to which took me to this article.  Very interesting!  I wonder if wearing an eye mask to sleep in would help and then allow me to keep the night light on just in case.

A simple google search of "sleep infertility" brought up this citing 8 bad habits that could be contributing to infertility.  Yup, the first one is staying up too late at night.  Super guilty.  

I've never been a morning person and I can stay up good and late.  Sometimes I feel like it's a bad habit but most times I think my internal clock is just perpetually off of the rest of normal humanity.  I consulted with my dr and she suggested Melatonin supplements in the evenings on prepeak days that I needed help getting sleepy at a normal time.

So I’ll have to keep all this in mind and maybe do some more research or bring it to my doc.

Glad I Went

This week has not been kind to me.  I found out for the 19th month in a row that I am not pregnant.  A friend of mine lost her mom to breast cancer on Monday.  I got scheduled for further testing on my heart to see why I've been having palpitations.  The Hubs' great aunt passed away yesterday.  My brother's flight was cancelled so I won't get to spend as much time with him...  I think things are just weighing on me.

But, of course, I go to Mass and I hear a homily reflecting on the reading and gospel in which Father says straight out, "Courageously ask God."

Readings: http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/022113.cfm

The first reading is from Esther which highlights the virtue of courage.  She was chosen as one of the wives of the king of Persia but was from Jewish descent.  In order to save her people by asking the King not to wipe them out she risks her life by going to the king unsummoned.  She was rewarded for her actions and the genocide did not take place as it was planned.

The Gospel was one that you hear often quoted with these gems:

“Ask and it will be given to you;

seek and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you."

"If you then, who are wicked,

know how to give good gifts to your children,

how much more will your heavenly Father give good things

to those who ask him."

The faithful part of me said, YES, good news and truth!  The bitter part of me said, jeez, have I not been knocking loud enough?!  That's how my life goes these days though.  Overall, I know that I am ridiculously blessed but I selfishly get hung up on not receiving a GIFT.

I couldn't help but be struck by the fact that I felt like I was losing hope and felt compelled to get to Mass one morning and I'm greeted with these readings and a homily that spells it out for me...

Courageously Ask God.

Waning hope

Well, no official showing of AF but there's been lots of signs it's on it's way...  I usually start on peak plus 12 so I'm on lookout.  I really thought this cycle might be different, but I'd be surprised if it's a positive cycle.

Ash Wednesday thoughts and links

It's that day again where Catholics flock to Mass for a day that isn't even a Holy Day of Obligation!  I think it's because repentance is something we can all understand we need a little more of in our lives.  This is a day where Catholics are "bound" to fast and to abstain from eating meat.  I found it so interesting as I listened to the DJ on Catholic Radio use the word "bound" this morning.  I thought it a rather good word choice.  Basically, if you consider yourself Catholic, you bind yourself to this Church if you choose and therefore carry out certain practices.  We're obligated to fast and abstain in so far as we commit ourselves to living a life in the Church.  It's not about what we can't do (eat :) ) but who we choose to be.

+

Going to Mass with a toddler is always interesting and I never know just what will make it's way through the distractions to me.  This morning it was the Opening prayer (yes, were actually there on time, shock! and I had to call myself on my pride... really, about being on time for Church... yup, it's not like it happens that often)  Aaanyway.  So here's some text of the opening prayer in case you were also being distracted by a toddler with the little Disney Cars cars almost quietly zooming up and down the kneeler:

"Grant, O Lord, that we may begin with holy fasting this campaign of Christian service,
so that, as we take up battle against spiritual evils, we may be armed with weapons of self-restraint..."  How's that for telling it like it is!?

We ask (through the words of the priest) that God would bless this first day of Lent, that he might make our fasting holy today.  See the first link below for more on holy fasting, I think Meg says it well so I won't be repetitious.  Also the prayer is referring to the 6 weeks of Lent as a campaign of Christian service.  It's a time of doing.  We decide on our actions by asking ourselves what will we fast from (or "give up"), what will we give (charity), and what will we do to increase our prayer?  Only the individual person can assess their own spiritual condition but I would advise anyone to take it to prayer.  Allow God into your "campaign of Christian service."  After all, isn't he the ultimate model for such service?

The second line of the prayer helped me once again to see the value of fasting in my life.  If I want to be spiritually strong I need to have self-control, it a tool given to us by God but developed through our willing practice.  And I need all the practice I can get.  I don't know about you but if I'm going up against spiritual evils you better believe I want all the weapons possible.

I pray that God blesses you during Lent in whatever way you are in most need!


La La Lenten Linkage:

I found this post by Meg to be an excellent call to action when I was thinking "yeah, yeah, we fast every year..."

This post was written by Tim O'Malley about Pope Benedict's resignation and what it can teach us during Lent.

Dealing with infertility?  Here's a fantastic post about how you can use that experience to grow during Lent and Holy Week.  This was another great read in preparation for Lent.  (would be good even if not dealing with IF :)

Cyclical thoughts

So it's Day 22 of this cycle and I have to say I'm finding myself more hopeful than usual.  I think there's a couple reasons why.  And by the way I think it's a good thing to find myself hopeful.  If and when AF comes I'll be sad so why not be optimistic until then?  Sometimes I have this attitude and sometimes I don't, but I usually feel better all around if I do.

Ok, back to the reasons:

1. I peaked earlier this cycle than I have... um since I started seriously charting 5 years ago.  I usually hit a day between 17 and 22... this was on day 15!  It may not sound like much but it's something different and to have charts and charts of cycles that don't seem to change no matter what the Dr. or I do (other than stress, but that's accounted for) it's just nice to see something different.  So why might this have happened?  Well, the big task this cycle was to stay consistent with my anti-inflammatory diet and exercise.  And much my (and perhaps Hubs's) surprise I've stuck with it much better than in the past.  Hmmm, a little bit of Grace?  That leads me to number...

2. I've carried around my St. Gerard handkerchief... remember I didn't know what to do with it?  Well, I pretty much just kept it in my pocket and was constantly reminded to "have hope" and that it doesn't have to be "in just my hands."  Those just happen to be the phrases that kept coming to mind as I asked St. Gerard to pray for me.  There really is power in having something physical to remind us to pray whether it be a scapular, a medal, a rosary, a cross in your pocket, or even something from a loved one who has past.  Think about how important wedding rings are to people or handing on something in a will.  Hmm, I think there's a whole post on that topic in me.  On the future blog post topic list it goes!


So I've been surrounded by babies and comments about "when is the next one coming" and my mind has actually starting to think again about what a newborn needs and what would I do with two kids...  Ug.  I probably sound contradictory but this actual concrete seeing myself with a baby feels like dangerous thinking.  The hopefulness of #1 is about getting pregnant, not about having the baby.  Once I do, then I'll get excited and worried about the practicality of things.  So my optimism is good until it gets carried away.  Then I am set up for uber disappointment when AF comes.  Aaaaand I think this all is only making sense in my head.  Sorry to put you through that paragraph.

To sum up: I'm feeling hopeful, my diet seems to be making some sort of difference (or allowing the drugs to make a difference) and I'm leaning a little more on prayer.

St. Gerard

I know that one of the patron saints to look to for intercession with motherhood (or desire for motherhood) is St. Gerard.  Him and St. Gianna have been invoked semi-nightly for their help and prayers, as well as the others that Hubs and I have taken as saints important to our lives.

I was taken back when I received a package from my Grandma yesterday.  She mentioned that she had received a handkerchief from St. Lucy's parish where the Shrine of St. Gerard is located.  She has always had an affinity for him, especially when she was pregnant.  Case in point, one of my uncles is a Gerard :)  She said she was passing it on to me because she thought I might like to have it and to remember that she was praying for us now as we try to figure out what's going on and how/if we can become parents again.  The handkerchief came with an explanation of where it came from, which you can find here.

So basically I have a "3rd class" relic of St. Gerard to help make my prayers more tangible.  I know that some outside of Catholicism (and plenty within) might look skeptically at the idea of relics and I can understand it.  I reminded myself as I held it that it was not magic but it wasn't just a piece of powerless fabric either.  It is blessed and touched to the actual handkerchief of St. Gerard.  It has power in that it can give me something to touch, a physical reminder that there was a man that knew God well and has been known to help us with his prayers from heaven.  He was real, his prayers have been real, just like my living Grandmother's and my deceased Grandfather's (because I know he's talking off the ear of Jesus right now) prayers for me are real.  I'm so thankful for my Grandmother's sending it.  I need all the reminders I can get, verbal, physical, etc. that I am being prayed for, that I am blessed regardless of whether or not my prayer for a #2 is ever answered.  I need all the reminders I can get to PRAY, pray to the author of Life.  He alone will supply whatever it is that I truly need.  He can transform whatever life hands me into being a vehicle for grace into my life.   PHew... amen.

TEBB

Isn't it funny how quickly you catch on to fertility language. :)  I got my computer out to put my detective skills to use after noticing 3 days of brown bleeding at the end of my period this past week.  It's not uncommon for me to have a day here or there at the beginning or end but not usually 3 days.  So I, of course, got stuck online reading all kinds of other in/subfertile blogs.  I can't even say how much their example and honestly helps me in my own journey.  For example, Mom & Then Some inspired me to go ahead with surgery last October after reading her trials.  Others have inspired me to ask more specific questions, look into vitamins and prayers etc.

My current theory is maybe it's some kind of infection for either me and/or Hubs.  I was strep-B positive at the birth of #1 and never got the antibiotics (labor went quickly) and Hubs tests showed some minor inflammation that no one seemed to bat an eye at.  I was told that we should keep with the Clomid/Prog, etc process for 2 more months and then we'll reconsider with fresh eyes.  So I'll have to bring up questions but know that we may not get to answering them for a little while.

My job- fertility detective

Well, I've had 4 effective cycles as of about a week ago.  That means that we've had 4 months of all conditions being right to conceive and it just not happening.  My hope that there was one small thing in the way that needed dealt with is slowly disappearing.  I can't believe it's still there at all after a year and a half of trying, surgery endless vitamins and lots of hormones...  I spend a good part of each day playing detective, trying to think of absolutely anything that may explain why I'm not getting pregnant.  My big frustration is that I can't see any issues.  My charts and mucus signs look great, my PMS isn't bad, no brown bleeding, etc.  I'm left wondering what is really going on.  That's why I jumped at surgery last year and that didn't find anything big red flags either, although it took care of some troubling things (mild endo and a cyst on one tube).

I don't know if I'll ever stop googling everything under the sun to see if there's some magic bullet or pill or issue that's causing all this.  WHAT is the invisible perpetrator!

Tip of the iceberg

I feel like my friends and family can only take so much talk about fertility.  It's here that I hope to post thoughts and comments that I'd like to say outloud but for the sake of my reputation and sometimes relationships I think it would be better to process them in my own head.  A lot of what I'm talking about has to do with bitterness.  There are so many times that secondary infertility haunts me.  Especially on quiet days where my son takes a long nap.  Then I wonder, outloud through tears in my kitchen, about how long, how LONG! will it be til I have another one to care for and be a sibling for my son and make quitting my job worth it and quench this ache I have in my heart to be the mom of many, and .... ok, I could go on for awhile.  But for now I won't, that's what this blog is for and future posts are swirling around my mind waiting to be typed, some bitter and some just about how this journey has taught me compassion and faithfulness.

For now, I have to run some errands, which may turn into AN errand based on this crazy cold rain coming down.

Starting something new

I did it, after months of thinking a personal blog may be beneficial I finally got one up.  

I'm one of those people that gets sucked into thinking that I have to have all the tiny details just right in order to start a project.  I figured that if we made it to this past Christmas still without being pregnant that I would stop procrastinating (and believing I didn't really have something to say) and create this space.  My hope is that here on this blog I will be able to be myself and be honest about my journey with secondary infertility as well as include other various musing about faith and family life.

It's time to start something new.