Easter etc.

Phew, it's been awhile for posting but I haven't known exactly how to put everything. Unfortunately when I take breaks from posting I end up just feeling like my head is full of things I don't know how to write about.  But enough with that, you just gotta jump back in.

Last month was another negative, I think that makes 20 months now.  I didn't cry about it, I knew that hope was on the horizon, I have a dr appt coming up and the 6 months of clomid trying could possibly come to an end.  Of course, my SIL showing up to Easter surprisingly visibly pregnant was a little of a trial, I think God's grace came through for me and helped me see it as a wonderful blessing for them... because it is.  I hate that this fertility struggle makes me into someone I don't want to be.  I don't like the automatic selfishness.  It pops up when I don't want it to and then has to be squashed with the help of prayer and perspective.  I guess it's that way for lots of situations, if it wasn't with fertility it would be a struggle with something else.  I just hate wanting to cry for myself when I know I should be jumping up and down with them.

Easter Sunday's homily was great and the main theme was Jesus fixing our brokenness.  Monsignor related it to when as a kid he or we would break something we knew we shouldn't have and then many times have that feeling of shame and impending punishment.  He said that instead of hiding our brokenness, whether caused by us or not isn't helpful, Jesus is the one who will fix it, fix you.  He already has fixed our eternal possibility.  I prayed for awhile afterward with some tears in my eyes for Jesus to just "fix me."  I'm sure I've said it before but more prayer can never hurt.

Overall, Easter and the past weeks have been wonderful.  I married a man with a GREAT family and a mother who has proven herself one of the most thoughtful MILs possible.  (2 of what could be many examples: she called to warn us about the pregnancy announcement so we could emotionally prepare ourselves, and she bought some mild red wine for me to drink through the week)

I'm looking forward to my next appt on the 9th to see where we're headed in this battle... tests to determine the opponent we're fighting, more med ideas?