It's day P+14... I very rarely make it this long after peak before AF shows. I've had cramps for a few days now so I can't imagine any test would come back positive, but I may talk myself into taking one tomorrow morning because I've only made it this long about 3 times in my life.
And, of course, now that I've said something, I'll start in the next hour or so :)
We're waiting for the results of another culture to see what antibiotics to go on and staying on the LDN. I've started a list of other hypothesises... hypothesi? of course, just in case we get another cycle or 2 under our belts and are still looking for answers.
More later, just had to get this off of my chest for now.
OH! PS: Please keep in prayer a friend running a retreat for couples who have lost children.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
Random Quick Takes 7-19-2013
Not linking with Jen because this would be a weird post to stumble on.
Some things I've found out about myself...
1. Some good old fashioned sweating exercise does wonders for anxiety. I should do more of it!
2. The cycle saint for this cycle is St. Gemma Galgani. Just FYI, if I got pregnant this cycle there's a very good chance I would be due on her feast day of April 11th. Yup, I did the math :)
3. Sometimes I feel better when I haven't had enough sleep... I know, it doesn't make sense.
4. I can't look at facebook too much. Waaaaay too many babies and bump pics. I think I am a magnet for pregnant bellies, I see them eeeeeverywhere!
5. I've caught myself more than once having the thought of maybe I just can't handle the anxiety another baby would bring (SIDS, birth, nursing, etc.). Those thoughts scare me, better a road less travelled. I just have to tell myself that in all things, God will give me the grace I need when I need it. He hasn't failed me yet.
6. Because of the anti-inflammatory diet for 5 months followed by gluten free/dairy free 2 months this year I've lost almost 20 pounds. I'm down to the weight I was when I got my drivers' license... what, what!? Just a little perk of being in conception-ready mode I guess.
7. If I'm not pregnant soon and have to sit in my quiet house while my little one goes to preschool I may have some kind of melt-down. Check that, I WILL have a meltdown and start looking for a job or something to fill my time because quiet house naptimes are bad enough right now.
Some things I've found out about myself...
1. Some good old fashioned sweating exercise does wonders for anxiety. I should do more of it!
2. The cycle saint for this cycle is St. Gemma Galgani. Just FYI, if I got pregnant this cycle there's a very good chance I would be due on her feast day of April 11th. Yup, I did the math :)
3. Sometimes I feel better when I haven't had enough sleep... I know, it doesn't make sense.
4. I can't look at facebook too much. Waaaaay too many babies and bump pics. I think I am a magnet for pregnant bellies, I see them eeeeeverywhere!
5. I've caught myself more than once having the thought of maybe I just can't handle the anxiety another baby would bring (SIDS, birth, nursing, etc.). Those thoughts scare me, better a road less travelled. I just have to tell myself that in all things, God will give me the grace I need when I need it. He hasn't failed me yet.
6. Because of the anti-inflammatory diet for 5 months followed by gluten free/dairy free 2 months this year I've lost almost 20 pounds. I'm down to the weight I was when I got my drivers' license... what, what!? Just a little perk of being in conception-ready mode I guess.
7. If I'm not pregnant soon and have to sit in my quiet house while my little one goes to preschool I may have some kind of melt-down. Check that, I WILL have a meltdown and start looking for a job or something to fill my time because quiet house naptimes are bad enough right now.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Feeling the love
"When we honestly ask ourselves which [people] in our lies mean the most to us, we often find that is those who instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair of confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." ~Henri J. M. Nouwen
I feel like I should thank all my "Elizabeths" out there. I mean those women who, through their prayers, blog posts, walking/play dates, conversations, chart sharings, emails, etc. have been the Elizabeth to my Mary or the Mary to my Elizabeth :) It is such an amazing blessing to not be alone, whether or not we even share the same cross.
Thank you thank you!
This post has, no doubt, stemmed from some encounters in the last couple weeks and this post from The Road Home (READ HER BLOG!).
I feel like I should thank all my "Elizabeths" out there. I mean those women who, through their prayers, blog posts, walking/play dates, conversations, chart sharings, emails, etc. have been the Elizabeth to my Mary or the Mary to my Elizabeth :) It is such an amazing blessing to not be alone, whether or not we even share the same cross.
Thank you thank you!
This post has, no doubt, stemmed from some encounters in the last couple weeks and this post from The Road Home (READ HER BLOG!).
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Angry Tears
I was doing so well!!!! I was all composed and trusting that God had my heart. I was repeating the mantra "soon, it will be soon" and trying to be hopeful.
And then CD1.
I'm thankful I have so much to do around the house, lots of cleaning, painting and planning for a family party at the end of the week and a few sewing jobs to attend to. The only problem is that my work gets all blurry through sudden angry tears that creep up on me. Ug, some months the no is just harder to take than others.
The naproNurse was out yesterday so my doc did my cycle review over the phone herself. She reviewed everything we've done and the one thing yet to do. At the end she added up all the effective cycles we've gone through (where everything was in place for there to be a pregnancy) and just said, "well huh." Well HUH!?!... I repeated in my head... are you stumped... tell me you're not stumped... you can't be stumped... this is not the end of the line... does that mean I'm doing everything possible?! Actually, I think it means that other than a little bit of TEBB we haven't found any big red flag problems to solve. Everything looks great. As frustrating as all this is going through my head, I have to remember that if I was with a typical RE I would have been labeled with "unexplained infertility" and given the choice between ART options or go home a year ago. Thank God for Nap.ro. THANK GOD.
All this frustration is wrecking havoc on my ability to parent the one child I do have and that's not right, I feel so guilty. I gotta go get stuff done and pray a bunch.
Prayers appreciated!
And then CD1.
I'm thankful I have so much to do around the house, lots of cleaning, painting and planning for a family party at the end of the week and a few sewing jobs to attend to. The only problem is that my work gets all blurry through sudden angry tears that creep up on me. Ug, some months the no is just harder to take than others.
The naproNurse was out yesterday so my doc did my cycle review over the phone herself. She reviewed everything we've done and the one thing yet to do. At the end she added up all the effective cycles we've gone through (where everything was in place for there to be a pregnancy) and just said, "well huh." Well HUH!?!... I repeated in my head... are you stumped... tell me you're not stumped... you can't be stumped... this is not the end of the line... does that mean I'm doing everything possible?! Actually, I think it means that other than a little bit of TEBB we haven't found any big red flag problems to solve. Everything looks great. As frustrating as all this is going through my head, I have to remember that if I was with a typical RE I would have been labeled with "unexplained infertility" and given the choice between ART options or go home a year ago. Thank God for Nap.ro. THANK GOD.
All this frustration is wrecking havoc on my ability to parent the one child I do have and that's not right, I feel so guilty. I gotta go get stuff done and pray a bunch.
Prayers appreciated!
Saturday, June 15, 2013
It's a no ice cream summer... AHHHH!
An update in treatment:
I'm mid-cycle at the moment and trying to be hopeful. I'm doing pretty well with everything right now because we have a list of things to do and try so even if it's not this month. This month I began the Low Dose Nal.trexone or LDN. Dr. S was saying that it should help with anxiety, cortisol and overall immune health. All of this could mean that the inflammation (what we currently are pursuing as the issue) could go down while on this med. I've already starting the vivid dreams that come with the LDN... and I thought it would be scary but they're actually kinda fun. It's usually what I would normally dream about just more often and maybe a little more detailed.
Along with the LDN I'm going gluten free and dairy free. This was after reading this post and the links that she offered to Dr. Boyle's work. He hates giving his patients diets but when he uses LDN he suggests they go GF and DF because it seems to make the med more effective consistently. I have nothing to lose but my favorite foods so I'm going for it. (btw, if you've thought at all about LDN or am a Napro Nerd like me, you'll find his presentation very interesting. Many thanks to the blogger who posted it!) I'm giving up pizza and cheese and cake and ice cream all just in case it means that I can get pregnant. Every once in awhile I hear that bitter voice in the back of my head saying, "but other girls don't have to eat right or sleep right or .... to get pregnant" but you know what, I have to play the hand of cards that life dealt to me. I can either whine to God about it or ask him to help me. (this is not to say in any way that this is easy or I think like this all the time, if you've read anything on this blog you know this :) )
I'm mid-cycle at the moment and trying to be hopeful. I'm doing pretty well with everything right now because we have a list of things to do and try so even if it's not this month. This month I began the Low Dose Nal.trexone or LDN. Dr. S was saying that it should help with anxiety, cortisol and overall immune health. All of this could mean that the inflammation (what we currently are pursuing as the issue) could go down while on this med. I've already starting the vivid dreams that come with the LDN... and I thought it would be scary but they're actually kinda fun. It's usually what I would normally dream about just more often and maybe a little more detailed.
Along with the LDN I'm going gluten free and dairy free. This was after reading this post and the links that she offered to Dr. Boyle's work. He hates giving his patients diets but when he uses LDN he suggests they go GF and DF because it seems to make the med more effective consistently. I have nothing to lose but my favorite foods so I'm going for it. (btw, if you've thought at all about LDN or am a Napro Nerd like me, you'll find his presentation very interesting. Many thanks to the blogger who posted it!) I'm giving up pizza and cheese and cake and ice cream all just in case it means that I can get pregnant. Every once in awhile I hear that bitter voice in the back of my head saying, "but other girls don't have to eat right or sleep right or .... to get pregnant" but you know what, I have to play the hand of cards that life dealt to me. I can either whine to God about it or ask him to help me. (this is not to say in any way that this is easy or I think like this all the time, if you've read anything on this blog you know this :) )
Friday, June 14, 2013
Making it Known
Phew it's been too long since I blogged, but I promise it's because the last 3 weeks have been spent packing, travelling, unpacking, doing laundry, having a guest, painting the house and other projects. This is one of the first days in awhile that I've actually sat down at the computer in an afternoon.
I learned something important while spending time with my extended family. It's easier to just have IF out there sometimes. God works through people and in my case, especially family. I have been blessed in so many ways to have all of the family I do. My mom has made it known on her side, I think, that we're struggling with SIF. I wasn't sure what, if anything, has been said to my dad's. From the couple conversations I've had recently, I don't think anything. I'm not saying that this is good or bad, I just didn't know who knew, so to speak.
Sooo long story short, a couple of my cousins and aunt found my blog (I admit a part of me hoped they would). Having my aunt give me a prayer card of Mary, Undoer of Knots that she just happened to come by when asking a friend to pray for us was something that made me feel incredibly thankful and relieved. I'm thankful for all the prayers that are being said for me and for us right now by so many people. [As a sidenote, I'm also struck by how crosses are crosses and everyone has them. My aunt and her daughters don't struggle with IF and relate to me in that way but I'm sure they have their own struggles. I was touched that she took me aside and told me that they were keeping me in their prayers.]
Another element to having it out there to anyone, family, friend, etc, is that I know I'm not being judged. One of the most disconcerting things for me in the IF struggle is that someone might think I'm contracepting, or not open to life or that I just don't dig the mom thing or something. I've had people ask me when the next one is coming and it makes me feel like I'm in trouble or something. I know I shouldn't be worried about other people's judgements, but I can't help it sometimes, darn human nature!
One more thing- the day that I talked to my aunt was also the day that we had family mass (my uncle is a priest and he says masses at our huge annual-ish family gatherings). I was asked to read and this is what I was given. My voice didn't crack, but it was close. Probably also because I had just started my period the day before and we all know how emotionally stable we are around that time.
Reading 2 Rom 5:1-5
So I read this at Mass and then I received the prayer card from my aunt later on. I'd say that the Lord was keeping me in mind. As I read I couldn't help but wonder if anyone knew what my "affliction" was. Well a few did and made it abundantly clear that I'm blessed because they know.
Shout out to aunt M, T.H. and M.S. if you girls are reading :)
I learned something important while spending time with my extended family. It's easier to just have IF out there sometimes. God works through people and in my case, especially family. I have been blessed in so many ways to have all of the family I do. My mom has made it known on her side, I think, that we're struggling with SIF. I wasn't sure what, if anything, has been said to my dad's. From the couple conversations I've had recently, I don't think anything. I'm not saying that this is good or bad, I just didn't know who knew, so to speak.
Sooo long story short, a couple of my cousins and aunt found my blog (I admit a part of me hoped they would). Having my aunt give me a prayer card of Mary, Undoer of Knots that she just happened to come by when asking a friend to pray for us was something that made me feel incredibly thankful and relieved. I'm thankful for all the prayers that are being said for me and for us right now by so many people. [As a sidenote, I'm also struck by how crosses are crosses and everyone has them. My aunt and her daughters don't struggle with IF and relate to me in that way but I'm sure they have their own struggles. I was touched that she took me aside and told me that they were keeping me in their prayers.]
Another element to having it out there to anyone, family, friend, etc, is that I know I'm not being judged. One of the most disconcerting things for me in the IF struggle is that someone might think I'm contracepting, or not open to life or that I just don't dig the mom thing or something. I've had people ask me when the next one is coming and it makes me feel like I'm in trouble or something. I know I shouldn't be worried about other people's judgements, but I can't help it sometimes, darn human nature!
One more thing- the day that I talked to my aunt was also the day that we had family mass (my uncle is a priest and he says masses at our huge annual-ish family gatherings). I was asked to read and this is what I was given. My voice didn't crack, but it was close. Probably also because I had just started my period the day before and we all know how emotionally stable we are around that time.
Reading 2 Rom 5:1-5
Brothers and sisters: Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.
So I read this at Mass and then I received the prayer card from my aunt later on. I'd say that the Lord was keeping me in mind. As I read I couldn't help but wonder if anyone knew what my "affliction" was. Well a few did and made it abundantly clear that I'm blessed because they know.
Shout out to aunt M, T.H. and M.S. if you girls are reading :)
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The benefit of busy
It's p+8 but I'm not as anxious about cycle stuff as I usually am. (Note the "as usual" not to be confused with no anxiety because I'm always anxious :)
It's been busy around here! This past week I attended an ordination of Hubs' college buddy. We left our son with his parents and drove to the big city for 36 hours of Masses and receptions and friends. It was wonderful. I won't lie, I felt a little boring, everyone was asking and answering questions about what they do and the big city they just flew in from, and I just didn't feel cool with my answer of, "yeah, I used to work but now I just stay home." <cricket chirp> Later, as I thought about feeling lame, I thought of how being serious with NaPro can sometimes mean feeling like you have a first/second job you just don't talk about. The charting, the blood draws, the meds, the vitamins, the paperwork, the tests, surgeries, recoveries, the time researching any possible reason to it...
it can be a bit, well, much.
It's tradition to ask the newly ordained priests for a "first blessing." When it was our turn Hubs asked specifically for healing from any infertility. His friend knows we have a little one already but didn't seem shocked that we'd be struggling after that, thank God. We made a sort of huddle with our arms around him and his hands on our heads and he prayed over us that God might bless us in everything we do and in a special way that we be healed in whatever way we needed. What peace. God has given me alot of grace lately in this struggle and I know that even if the healing never comes for our specific intention, God, who is a good God and giver of all perfect gifts, will not completely forget us. He will either give us the gift we seek or the strength to go without it. I'm not always in a place where I can say that, but right now, I'm closer than usual.
It's officially my last day in my twenties. On this Birthday Eve I'm being treated to a musical tonight and various activities tomorrow including Mass, breakfast, park time, a massage, shopping and dinner with friends. Holy Cow am I blessed!
This coming weekend and all next week will be travelling and with family. I should be sitting at a BBQ with all my extended fam as AF hits... whee. But there's so much to bake and pack and plan... I simply can't let impending AF take up any of my time right now. There is a benefit to being busy!
It's been busy around here! This past week I attended an ordination of Hubs' college buddy. We left our son with his parents and drove to the big city for 36 hours of Masses and receptions and friends. It was wonderful. I won't lie, I felt a little boring, everyone was asking and answering questions about what they do and the big city they just flew in from, and I just didn't feel cool with my answer of, "yeah, I used to work but now I just stay home." <cricket chirp> Later, as I thought about feeling lame, I thought of how being serious with NaPro can sometimes mean feeling like you have a first/second job you just don't talk about. The charting, the blood draws, the meds, the vitamins, the paperwork, the tests, surgeries, recoveries, the time researching any possible reason to it...
it can be a bit, well, much.
It's tradition to ask the newly ordained priests for a "first blessing." When it was our turn Hubs asked specifically for healing from any infertility. His friend knows we have a little one already but didn't seem shocked that we'd be struggling after that, thank God. We made a sort of huddle with our arms around him and his hands on our heads and he prayed over us that God might bless us in everything we do and in a special way that we be healed in whatever way we needed. What peace. God has given me alot of grace lately in this struggle and I know that even if the healing never comes for our specific intention, God, who is a good God and giver of all perfect gifts, will not completely forget us. He will either give us the gift we seek or the strength to go without it. I'm not always in a place where I can say that, but right now, I'm closer than usual.
It's officially my last day in my twenties. On this Birthday Eve I'm being treated to a musical tonight and various activities tomorrow including Mass, breakfast, park time, a massage, shopping and dinner with friends. Holy Cow am I blessed!
This coming weekend and all next week will be travelling and with family. I should be sitting at a BBQ with all my extended fam as AF hits... whee. But there's so much to bake and pack and plan... I simply can't let impending AF take up any of my time right now. There is a benefit to being busy!
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